Jon Ralston tells us what is really on those Friday the 13th videotapes

Friday, Nov. 3, 2006 | 7:23 a.m.

A black helicopter (no, not one of Jerry Airola's) dropped off the real parking garage videotapes to me Thursday, so forget what you hear elsewhere. Here's what's really on them:

7:45 p.m. - A woman who appears to be Dina Titus appears in the garage. She is yelling at someone on her cell phone. The conversation is unprintable. Titus furtively looks around and then pulls a black wig out of her car trunk and puts it on.

8:45 p.m. - A man who looks like Jim Gibbons stumbles into the garage and looks around. He whispers, "Sig? Sig? Where are you? I thought you said the bathroom was out here." Suddenly, he appears to realize there are cameras all around, he reaches up and shuts off the ones nearby. He then pees against the wall. He forgets to turn the cameras back on.

8:52 p.m. - Tessa Hafen pulls up in a car with Virginia license plates. She starts to get out when her cell phone rings. "Oh, Gordon Biersch? I thought you said McCormick & Schmick's. I really don't know my way around this town." She drives off.

9:04 p.m. - Justice Nancy Becker arrives with fellow high court jurist Michael Douglas and soon-to-be Justice Michael Cherry. They can be overheard arguing about where to eat. "I say Cozymel's," Becker says. Douglas says, "Lawry's is much better." Cherry agrees, "Lawry's it is. That's two out of three, Nancy." Becker retorts: "You know two-thirds means nothing to me. We're going to Cozymel's." They leave.

9:15 p.m. - Airola arrives in an old police car. He is on his phone. "So are we going with the 'I'm a cop' or the 'I'm an engineer' or the 'I can solve all the traffic problems' pitch to these guys? All three? I can do that." He removes a badge from a pile in a box labeled "Acme Badge Co." and puts it on his collar. He walks out.

9:25 p.m. - Gibbons returns. He is singing to himself, "Dina Taxes. Dina Taxes. Too bad you don't know about my illegal nanny." He looks around and murmurs, "Darn. That wine is going right through me." He moves to another part of the garage and is about to relieve himself again when he sees four cameras on him. He turns them off and then does his business. He glances around and walks out.

9:33 p.m. - Titus is back. She removes the wig and shakes her head. "I can't believe he fell for the 'I thought you were President Clinton' line. He really is a dope. It's so funny no one knows I can drop the accent anytime I want. Hell, I've been here for 25 years. Of course I don't really have an accent. But people love it." She puts on the wig again and leaves.

9:44 p.m. - A guy with a notepad walks in and looks around. Off-camera, a voice is heard: "Psst. Over here, you dumb reporter." The reporter walks over to the back of the garage. "Are you Deep Throat?" he says.

"Yes. I only used that name because I figured you'd know it."

"So what is going to happen here tonight?"

"I can only tell you three words: 'Follow the honey.' "

"Huh?"

"Follow the honey." He disappears. The reporter walks out, shaking his head.

9:48 p.m. - Rep. Jon Porter arrives in a Cadillac with District of Columbia plates. He is singing to himself, "She's a carpetbagger and I'm not. Can't believe people buy that rot. But Tessa is going down, so I'm out for a night on the town." He pauses and reflects, "Hey, that's pretty good. I have to give that one to the Second Amendments." He walks out, humming his new tune.

10:01 p.m. - Sig Rogich is seen walking into the garage. He is mumbling to himself, "Where the hell did Jim go? I knew I shouldn't have let him out of my sight. I won't let that happen when he's governor." He looks around and he is standing under the three remaining cameras. He is about to relieve himself when he realizes they are trained on him.

He switches them all off.