Jon Ralston on how wrong Las Vegas’ ‘Strategic Plan’ can be for the taxpayers

Friday, May 19, 2006 | 7:24 a.m.

There may be a more insipid document than the one Las Vegas mailed this month to select residents.

But I dare you to find it.

It is the government's "STRATEGIC PLAN," with an all-caps cover emblazoned with pictures of the Fremont Street Experience and frolicking kids - just what everyone thinks of when the city comes to mind. I'm not sure what my favorite part of the six-page pamphlet is because there is so much malarkey and jabberwocky in here that it's hard to choose. Some highlights:

The punctuation-challenged folks at Goodman Central should be on Jon Stewart's show. Who writes this stuff? We already know who is paying for it.

As they are being efficient courteous to those who matter, I wonder if city officials really want to boast about the planning and vision that has characterized the government's zoning-for-developers-who-we-like mentality.

I am wondering how this part of the strategic plan was implemented when the city folks concealed information before voting on the Billy Walters deed restriction. And if the body led by Oscar Flimflam Goodman is so honest and has so much integrity, why is the attorney general investigating its actions?

There are more "VALUES," too, including the one that says: "Respect for, and the belief in, individual difference and the worth of every person." And then this: "Pride in our work, in our dedication to public service, and in being the best we can be."

I could not make this up if I tried, folks. How many of you would be embarrassed if this kind of tripe tripped off the word processors of your kids?

And there are still four pages left in the pamphlet that also drip with treacly sweet nothings masquerading as policy initiatives. It's just one unbelievably empty phrase after another in the "STRATEGIC PLAN PRIORITIES" - albeit laid out very nicely.

If you travel elsewhere and are asked about your city's strategic plan, tell friends it includes:

"Encourage conservation and optimization of natural resources... Maximize our labor resources... Promote civic involvement and community volunteers in neighborhoods... Improve feedback and coordinate activities between city government and the private sector... Establish programs to improve individual wellness and health... Reduce life and property losses throughout the city."

I know what you are thinking: This is a parody.

But it's not. And you paid for it.

You want parody? Then here a few of the "STRATEGIC PLAN PRIORITIES" that I understand were edited for space:

"Be nice to everyone... Try to make the third master developer the last one on the 61 acres... Make sure mayoral sons and business partners maximize investment in community... Maximize number of times Gary Reese is addressed as, 'Mr. MAYOR PRO TEM...' Get Councilman Steve Ross to talk a little more... Allow Councilwoman Lois Tarkanian to win a few votes... Get Councilman Larry Brown to disagree with the mayor more often... Hope that Councilman Steve Wolfson doesn't keep bringing common sense to decisions that are supposed to be political... Get Councilman Lawrence Weekly to go with his heart and not listen to the mayor or Brown too often... Remind manager's office that this is a council-manager and not a strong-mayor form of government."

So the council that tramples on constitutional rights, doles out tax breaks to developers but disdains the less fortunate and substitutes braggadocio and spin for substance and accomplishments wants us to believe it has a STRATEGIC PLAN?

I think we understand the strategy all too well.