THE OPENING LINE

Monday, May 15, 2006 | 7:20 a.m.

I was talkin' baseball at Petco Park in San Diego on a recent weekend when the Cubs' Todd Walker, totally miscast as a first baseman - and, for that matter, as a No. 3 or cleanup hitter - made a feeble effort to field a ground ball that wound up in short right field.

"The Cubs should just play right field out," I thought out loud.

The surfer dude sitting nearby looked at me as I were from Neptune.

He had never heard of right field out. Or Neptune.

"You know, right field out," I started to explain. "Like when you were playing sandlot ball, and you didn't have enough players for two teams when you chose sides.

"Sometimes, you'd only have 10 players. So you'd play five a side, and right field was 'out.' "

Jeff Spicoli Jr. looked stumped. Or stoned. Or both.

"Sandlot? Like a beach?"

"Yup," I nodded. "Only dogs were allowed on it. And you could stay after dark."

I was blowing Spicoli Jr.'s mind. "OK, dude, you said right field was out. Out of what?"

"Out," I said. "As in one, two, three strikes you're out. Because there weren't enough players to go around, you would play without a right fielder, a second baseman and a first baseman. So any ball hit to the right of second base was considered an automatic out. Sort of like Todd Walker on this roadtrip."

"Bogus," Spicoli Jr. said.

"Yeah," I said. "Automatic outs were bogus."

I could see that Spicoli Jr. was starting to understand. Or sober up.

"But what if the dude batted left-handed?" he asked.

"Depends," I told him. "If it was still early in the game, all the fielders on the left side of the diamond would just move over to the right side. But if it was like the eighth inning, and it was hot outside, we would just tell him to swing late."

"Awesome. Totally awesome," Spicoli Jr. said. "I think I get it, dude."

"Yup," I told him. "You're pretty smart. You could have been an 'official' quarterback."

"Official quarterback?" he said, loading up another nacho with a dollop of cheese. "What's that?"

"Ask Stu Nahan," I said.

THIS WEEK'S BEST BET

Eastern Seals Ahman Green Golf Shootout, 7:30 a.m. Friday, Siena Golf Club

Green Bay Packers running back Ahman Green and some of his football pals (such as Carson Palmer, Matt Hasselback, Amani Toomer and Eddie George) tee it up for a good cause. Which sort of explains all the bad swings.

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ALSO WORTH A LOOK

Night of Destruction II, 8 p.m. Saturday, The Strip at Las Vegas Motor Speedway

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