Columnist Ron Kantowski: In any event, we’ll be entertained

Monday, Jan. 2, 2006 | 7:28 a.m.

Ron Kantowski's column appears on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at ron@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4088.

January

A new Full Contact Ultimate Pro Arena Laser Tag league debuts and before the season is even a week old, the Winston-Salem franchise announces it is unhappy with its lease and is thinking about moving to Las Vegas.

February

Bishop Gorman High School obtains a temporary court injuction allowing a 7-foot-9 Parade All-American from Zimbabwe to play in the state tournament. The Gaels go on to crush Palo Verde 214-12 in the championship game before a crowd of 149 at Lawlor Events Center in Reno.

UNLV wins another Mountain West swimming championship while two of coach Jim Reitz's honor roll backstrokers announce they've discovered a cure for the common cold.

March

Kyle Busch wins the Las Vegas 400 NASCAR race in front of his hometown crowd. Older brother Kurt is black-flagged after asking Jeff Gordon "Don't you know who I am?" and blowing a 0.16 -- exactly twice the legal limit -- on the full-of-himself-alyzer.

The UNLV's men's basketball team is upset by Wyoming in the first round of the Mountain West Conference tournament, after which coach Lon Kruger tells the media it's "always disappointing to end the season with a loss" and how the Rebels will "try harder next year." Or something similarly profound.

Center court at the new Darling Tennis Center cracks wide open during the finals of the Tennis Channel Open, and Andy Roddick and some guy you've never heard of fall into the abyss, never to be seen again.

April

Buoyed by all those Baseball America stars of tomorrow, the Las Vegas 51s go on a one-game winning streak. Club brass celebrate the team's reversal of fortune by holding a fireworks spectacular -- or is it an extravaganza? -- after the game.

Jose Luis Castillo forfeits his purse for fighting Diego Corrales in their fourth or fifth rematch when the guy in his entourage who tried to rig the weigh-in for his second bout against Corrales also fudges on his tax return.

May

Having lost time and again to so-called little brother Nevada-Reno on the basketball court and football field, UNLV kowtows to the Wolf Pack and starts calling it "Nevada" while agreeing to change its name to "Nevada Light."

After completing their fourth consecutive .500 season, the Arena Football Gladiators are renamed the Crazy 8-8s and add Plain Jane, the "goddess of mediocrity," to their cheerleading roster.

July

Every rim in town is pulled off every backboard in town during the adidas/ Reebok/Nike high school basketball orgy and slam dunk-a-thon.

August

Instead of scheduling games in 120-degree weather, Las Vegas decides not to play ball during Dry Heat month. But rather than use the baseball designation of "no games scheduled" an ad on Ticketmaster simply says the local sports scene is "dark" during August.

September

In an attempt to capitalize on the poker craze, Vince McMahon and Mark Cuban announce the formation of the "World War III" tour, based on the old parlor card game "War." George W. Bush and Kim Jong Il agree to play a pay-per-view match for charity at Mandalay Bay.

October

Jim Furyk takes a quadruple bogey 8 on the 18th hole to blow a five-shot lead and hand the victory in the Unsponsored Open at TPC Summerlin to Happy Gilmore.

November

Following yet another 2-9 season, UNLV football coach Mike Sanford shakes up the program by firing the equipment manager and an assistant trainer.

December

In an effort to make the Las Vegas Marathon more competitive, anybody born in Kenya is made to start the race in Barstow.

When advance ticket sales lag, the Las Vegas Bowl committee seeks special dispensation from the NCAA to make Brigham Young bowl eligible despite its 4-7 record.

Influenced by the success of their annual midnight games, the Las Vegas Wranglers drop the puck at 3 a.m. To prevent the crowd from going home sober and making hockey history, the sale of warm milk and cookies is cut off after the second period.

The National Finals Rodeo announces a new corporate sponsor: Glade air freshener. Now the bulls can smell as country-garden fresh as their riders.