Monday, April 10, 2006 | 7:05 a.m.
By the end of the evening, he had become one of 260 national qualifiers for Sundays inaugural USA Rock Paper Scissors Bud Light Finals at the House of Blues at Mandalay Bay.
No, Wagner did not win the $50,000 first prize thats a dollar sign, a five, a zero and a comma, followed by three more zeroes for playing a what? ... game? sport? exercise? ... that most of us last used as kids to settle arguments or who got last ups on the sandlot.
But why does it not surprise me that the finals were held in Las Vegas?
In the past year, I have watched grown men play coin-operated golf, video game football and tabletop hockey for cash prizes and lovely parting gifts. But now I can say, unequivocally and without a doubt, that I have seen it all.
At a few minutes past seven, when David McGill, a 30-year-old professional student from Omaha, Neb., was the last man standing (but just barely) after nearly seven hours of pounding rock, slapping paper and flashing scissors, it became official: The apocalypse is near.
At least thats what I thought before I did a Google search for rock-paper-scissors. I learned there are actually two rock-paper-scissors organizations and that surprise! they dont get along.
Check that. The apocalypse isnt near. The apocalypse is here. Ive got a rock to your scissors that says we dont survive it. Two out of three, of course.
The USA league was formed as a competitor to the more established Toronto-based World Rock Paper Scissors Society. It seems the Canadians, to use a hockey metaphor, dont like the Americans skating in their crease.
Apparently, this rivalry runs deeper than spelling defense or defence with an s or a c.
Matti Leshem, a Hollywood producer who helped create USARPS with omnipotent Anheuser-Buschs financial backing (his partner Andrew Golder was part of the brain trust behind the cable quiz show Win Ben Steins Money), calls the Toronto group Victorian for its staid approach to ... well, whatever you call rock-paper-scissors.
While I didnt see anybody dressed like Queen Anne Sunday, I did spot a conspicuous Otis the town drunk and Barney Fife, aka Tommy Harris and his son, John, of Montgomery, Ala., by way of Mayberry, N.C.
Given the frat house atmosphere, it would seem the only criteria to being a good rock-paper- scissors player is a wacky costume and a camel-sized thirst.
There was a couple dressed as hot dog condiments and at least three Edward Scissorheads and one Edwina Scissorshead you can guess what they were wearing on their noggins.
My personal favorite, a guy in a boxing robe named Golden Freak Show Groves, played with a trainer, a sidekick replete with stocking cap and a spit bucket the size of their native upstate New York.
Only every time his trainer poured a fresh Bud Light down Groves gullet between rounds, Freak Show refused to spit in the bucket.
I think even the Canadians would have seen the humor in that.
Those guys, Leshem said of the rival World league, wear frilly underpants. Were rock n roll.
If you take him at his word, Leshem has been playing rock-paper- scissors since he was a youngster in Israel.
I played during the Six-day War, he says.
I couldnt tell if his tongue was boring a hole in his cheek when he said it.
But the official USARPS Web site also claims the International Olympic Committee is considering adding rock-paper-scissors as a demonstration sport, that Sylvester Stallone will star in a new movie called Rocky VI: Rocky-Paper-Scissors, and that thousands of angry protesters recently marched on USARPS headquarters to protest the leagues stance on a controversial RPS throw called dynamite.
All leg-pulling aside, its clear that tournaments such as this one have lit a fuse under (fist pump) rock (fist pump) paper (fist pump) scissors.
Part of the attraction may be that there are only three rules: rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, paper beats rock.
The other part may be that you can drink a beer before, during and after playing.
Leshem bristled when I asked if there were any wisecracks about rock-paper-scissors that he hadnt heard.
I have no idea what you are talking about, he deadpanned.
This is the newest and most important hand-eye coordination sport in the world. There is a very low barrier to enter the sport, but mastering it takes a lifetime.
Or a trip to the corner pub, whichever comes first. Just ask Kristofer Wagner.
Tournament play is new to me, Wagner said when asked about his strategy for the finals. But I think its mostly about being the best guesser.
Silly me. I must have had rock-paper-scissors confused with Eenie, Meenie, Miny, Mo.
Ron Kantowski can be reached at 259-4088 or at kantowski@lasvegassun. com.
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