Columnist John Katsilometes: Seeking out the best joke about Las Vegas

Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005 | 9:53 a.m.

A guy is pacing in front of a Las Vegas casino, his face fixed with a look of concern. A limousine pulls up. Out steps a well-coiffed man sporting a tuxedo.

"Sir," the man in front of the casino says, "I must ask you for a favor. My wife is upstairs in our hotel room and she is very sick. She has just run out of her medication and I don't know how much time she has left. If I could just have $100 to buy some more medication for her, maybe she can pull through."

The man in the tux says, "I'd like to help you, but how do I know you're not going to just turn around and gamble that money in the casino?"

The concerned man responds, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

That's the best Las Vegas joke I've heard; the first time I heard it was when David Letterman told it to Rip Taylor many years ago when he brought his show to Bally's. But there must be funnier Vegas jokes and I'm attempting to unearth them. Beginning today I am asking readers to submit their favorite Vegas joke and submit them to me at the e-mail address or phone numbers at the bottom of this column.

The deadline is noon Nov. 16 and the winner will be announced in this column on Nov. 17, which is the first day of The Comedy Festival at Flamingo Las Vegas and Caesars Palace. The winner will receive a "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" coffee mug (personalized if your name is not too arcane) and, of course, the notoriety of having your name in print.

I'm the sole judge, and we will have rules: It's a family newspaper, so keep it clean. No profanity or vulgarity (write around it, as we say in these parts). It should not be a long joke -- no 10-minute "Aristocrat"-style monologues. And most important, it should have a Vegas theme -- gambling, casinos, the Strip, organized crime, the Rat Pack, Elvis, Liberace, those types of subjects are fair game.

And submitting, "They gave you a column," while funny, will not win. That's mine.

NoteMart

Great Gans: Strip star Danny Gans helped launch the PGA Tour's Michelin Championship with a special performance at the Mirage on Wednesday night. The event was the culmination of Gans' Partee for Kids charity golf event at Southern Highlands Golf Club; the tournament benefitted the First Tee of Southern Nevada, which teaches life lessons to more than 6,000 Southern Nevada kids each year.

During the show Gans slipped in a few golf jokes (a nice slice of life) for an audience that included Greg and Mike Maddux, U.S. Amateur and NCAA champion Ryan Moore of UNLV, Professional Baseball Hall of Famer Rollie Fingers, actor Kevin Sorbo and author Jack Sheehan ("Skin City") ...

Olympia wash: Participants in this week's Olympia Weekend, the bodybuilding and fitness competitions held Friday and Saturday at the Orleans Arena, arrived with some unique needs. A special menu of dishes prepared without salt, oil or butter was arranged. Competitors were ordering five dishes (such as an all-egg white omelette with bell pepper, onion and tomatoes) at a time through room service. Also, because of the tan-colored oil competitors applied to their muscular bodies, sheets used by the 60 or so bodybuilders staying at the hotel were thrown out ...

Faux pas city: During a recent visit to the chic cigar bar Casa Fuente at the Forum Shops at Caesars, I mentioned to owner Michael Frey that the "odor" of his club could be detected several stores away. He winced; apparently the term is "fragrance." My bad. Frey later said, "A bad cigar smells bad, but nothing smells so good as a good cigar." He wasn't just blowing smoke, either. The club specializes in the renowned Arturo Fuente brand.