Thursday, May 5, 2005 | 8:15 a.m.
Put down the cookie.
No, wait. Go ahead. Eat the cookie.
No, wait. If you earn more than $60,000 a year, put down the cookie.
But no. Stop. If you are of normal weight, you should eat the cookie, so go ahead.
Unless you are a kid. Then, put the cookie back.
No, wait! If you practice the four habits of healthy adults, go ahead and eat the cookie.
And for heaven's sake, gobble it up before another study comes out.
Honestly, the American public's biggest threat from the cookie isn't fat.
It's whiplash.
You could pull a muscle trying to keep up with the latest and greatest when it comes to studies telling us how we should eat and whose weight is the most dangerous.
In the past month:
Officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that perhaps they were a wee bit off last year when they told us 365,000 deaths each year stemmed from people being too fat. Turns out it's more like 112,000.
A University of Iowa study told us that obesity is increasing three times faster in the affluent population than among people with lower incomes.
CDC officials then said that perhaps being chubby isn't as dangerous as they thought either; people who are modestly overweight actually may be healthier than their normal-weight neighbors, and current "normal" weight standards may actually mean we're underweight.
Health experts dizzy from the obesity Tilt-O-Whirl then turned their focus away from adult waistlines and said children are still in trouble, with nearly half of the 9 million overweight children expected to grow into obese adults.
A Michigan State University study said that adults who follow four healthy habits can stave off the ill effects of being overweight.
A New York Times News Service report said a growing number of people are using Internet chat rooms to help each other embrace eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa.
It has become easier to buy a car than to eat.
For example, we know that the guy who greets us in the parking lot of the car dealership has no real power to cut us a deal, will show us five cars $3,000 above our desired price range and none within it, and will be the only one on the lot with the special-secret-spy relationship with "the manager."
We know the game, and we don't have to worry about the federal government releasing a "study" that changes the rules of engagement.
But Americans who have no trouble creating finance packages that rival Wall Street deals can't with the same amount of confidence answer the question, "What's for dinner?"
Some of us eat the cookie and wash it down with a diet soda. Some of us eat half the box of cookies and chase them with chocolate milk. Others eat the whole box of cookies, then toss said cookies. And still others avoid the cookies, calling them "bad."
Poor cookie. All it does is lie there, created solely for the pleasure of a society that has lost sight of how to have fun in small doses.
So go ahead. Eat the cookie -- one. Then go out in the sunshine and walk around the block.
But remember the sunscreen. Studies say sunshine is bad for us too.
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