Dramatization: Talking heads step up for March Madness

Friday, March 4, 2005 | 10:20 a.m.

The Great

Blake Ahearn, Southwest Missouri State

A 6-5 sophomore, Ahearn has nailed 196 of 203 free-throw attempts in his career, including an NCAA-record 97.5 percent (117-for-120) as a rookie last season.

The Good

Washington

The Huskies have hit a stellar stride under third-year coach Lorenzo Romar, having gone 26-4 in the Pac-10 Conference since losing their first five league games of 2003-04.

The Bad

Ike Diogu, Arizona State

No doubt, the 6-foot-8, 240-pound junior is talented. But 106 turnovers? That's the most in the Pac-10 and a bottom-20 figure among Division I players. Brutal.

The Ugly

Missouri

Iowa State outscored the Tigers 40-4 in points-off-turnovers in its 67-49 victory Wednesday night in Ames, Iowa. It was the fewest points for Mizzou since a 49-47 defeat to Oklahoma in the Big 12 tourney two years ago.

The month wasn't even a day old before the madness officially started Tuesday with the Horizon League and Ohio Valley Conference tournaments.

As a prelude to the frenzy ahead, we preview what will no doubt be some hyper broadcasts from arenas around the country.

If the talking heads haven't been tuned out already -- and they should have been by, oh, late December -- then the following will cover everything from the first opening tap of the NCAAs to the last final buzzer.

Don't hit mute, either. While some of those transcribed words can be entertaining -- like Jaywalkers instead of Jayhawks -- from the 110-word-a-minute typists based in Grand Forks, that dialog can get in the way of some meaningful action.

To avoid this distraction, turn the volume level on your television set to "0."

When it comes to the courtside broadcast banter, few words of analysis or "insight" have any meaning. The inanity can be staggering.

The following diatribe should cover the gamut of what will be uttered over the next month, to get it out of the way so any viewer can focus on what truly matters. Remember, turn the volume of that plasma screen to "0."

( ... as the second half begins.)

Breathless Courtside Blonde: Guys, in talking with State coach Doe as he left his locker room, he told me, and only me, that the key to State winning is them scoring more points than Tech. Guys, that's what it will come down to.

Back to you.

(State makes a jumper.)

Jay "Starch" Bilas: That was a simple screen-for-the-screener set. They worked on that in their walk-through this afternoon in their Holiday Inn ballroom. What made it work is that Johnnie made the shot. Terrific.

Rick "Slim" Majerus: You can't make that shot unless you've had years of practice. Plus, the ball must drop through the net. (Crunching noises ... gooey cheese drips on the microphone ... licking of fingers.)

Mark "Sly" Jones: That's what Johnnie does. He makes shots.

BCB: Guys, Johnnie told me yesterday that he really enjoys the screen-for-the-screener thing. He learned it in high school in Utica, and that is why he's prospered here at State. Back to you, guys.

Sly: Holly, er, Brandy, er, Misty ... great work. You're playing that sideline like Stradivarius.

Starch: State seemlessly switches to defense, just like we did at Duke when I played for Coach K. When I played, we rarely lost because of Coach K's ability to maximize his player's abilities on both offense AND defense.

Sly: You guys WERE good, Jay.

Starch: Thank you, Mark. We always stepped up. I owe Coach K a lot. He's brilliant.

Slim: Back on the court ... (slurping of a Super Strawberry Shake through a straw) ... Benny passes to Billy ... (turkey gravey spills on stat sheets) ... and Tech scores!

Sly: It's the ol' up-and-under, down-and-over, back-slap two-step, with a curl at the elbow. It does not get much better than that, unless you're a hog in slop and they're backin' up the truck!

Starch and Slim, in unison: Huh?!?!?

Dick "Dukie" Vitale: Are you sear-eeee-usss?

(Voice-over from on-site producer meant for Vitale's ear piece but also mistakenly sent to viewers of the national telecast: Dick! You're supposed to be in Durham for tomorrow's game on ESPN12!)

(Feet scamper out of the arena.)

BCB: Which brings us to me, guys. Hog stories ARE intriguing. Tech coach Smith was most disappointed when he lost that NCAA semifinal to the hogs of Arkansas back in '93.

For that reason, he can't wait to get back to a Final Four, he told me Monday. Back to you, guys.

Starch: State is pressing the issue on offense, as efficiently as I get my socks, Go Duke boxers, muscle shirts, Dockers and drip-dry dress shirts triple-starched daily. Slim, you must always look your best. You never know who's watching.

Coach K taught me that, too. On the court, we stepped up. When we got off the bus, we always looked terrific stepping down.

Sly (tipping his Champagne-colored Fedora, with the chocolate band, toward Starch): Lights out, Jay.

Slim: You guys worry way too much about appearances. (The loud crinkling of a large bag of cheddar cheese puffs.) And why are you both wearing bibs?

Sly and Starch, in unison: Collateral damage.

BCB: Speaking of damage, guys, Larry and Liam, the high-flying O'Gallagher twins for Tech, told me last week, by telephone, that they owe their stamina to their long hours on the rugby pitches of Belfast in their youth.

Guys, back to you.

Starch: Great insight, as Tech is really becoming rigid on their defense. State looks flummoxed as they try to put the ball in the basket.

And, no, at Duke, they never taught me how to connect a singular pronoun with a singular antecedent. Grammar, shmammar. I learned everything I need to know from Coach K, between the lines. He's terrific.

Sly: No worries, Jay. None of us got that memo, either, or the one announcing Slim leaving for the University of Southern California, or the one announcing he was quitting USC after five days to return to us ... Slim?

Slim: (Empty chairback circling around and around.)

BCB: I can't keep up with him. Am I on the air? He's leaving the arena. But, guys, I DO know that Steak 'N' Shake closes at 9. Back to you, guys.

For at least two seasons, Big East members will have a home-and-home with three league foes, play 10 others once and not play two.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino told ESPN.com that he believes nine Big East teams might wind up with berths in next year's NCAA tournament.

"It's going to be so competitive and so difficult to make the NCAA tournament with a league that size that (scheduling) fairness has to come into play," Pitino said. "Fortunately, we have a strong commissioner (Mike Tranghese)."

Unfortunately, Conference USA takes the hit in losing those six aforementioned programs. And Saint Louis bolts for the Atlantic-10, and Texas Christian zips to the Mountain West.

C-USA will add Central Florida, Marshall, Rice, Southern Methodist, Tulsa and Texas-El Paso. The conference's sympathizers have reminisced about the good ol' days, and our favorite story involves Cincinnati coach Bob Huggins.

Huggins, in 1992, called Memphis fans who sit behind the opposing team's bench the "most obnoxious people in America," ESPN.com recounted. Those students responded by piling sandbags in front of the section and "declared war" on Huggins and his squad.

Loscutoff established Oregon's single-game rebounding mark with 32 in a victory over Brigham Young in Eugene in January 1955. As a senior that season, he led the Ducks with 19.4 points a game, then Boston picked him in the first round of the draft.

The San Francisco native banged his way around the NBA for nine seasons, and the Celtics retired his No. 18 jersey (but kept it active for Dave Cowens). When asked about his career as a goon by a Honolulu writer in 1997, Jungle Jim bristled.

"I wasn't an enforcer. I just played the game hard," he said. He once told the Los Angeles Times that, if somebody stood in his way, he'd simply knock them down.

"Even if they didn't stand in my way, but if they were bothering another player, they'd have to deal with me."

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