Columnist Ron Kantowski: Gladiators’ opener was a sound for sore ears

Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 | 9:47 a.m.

Ron Kantowski is a Las Vegas Sun sports writer. Reach him at ron@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4088.

I WAS HAVING TROUBLE PUTTING INTO WORDS WHAT IT WAS LIKE AT SUNDAY'S GLADIATORS ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE SEASON OPENER AT THE THOMAS AND MACK CENTER. SO I SETTLED FOR THESE CAPITAL LETTERS AND A FEW EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

IF THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SIMULATE THE SOUND OF A 747 TAKING OFF IN A DORM ROOM CLOSET, I'D INSERT IT HERE!!!

Anyway, I hope you get the idea. I'm afraid if I wrote 20 more paragraphs of capital letters and exclamation points you'd either turn me down or turn me off.

Unfortunately, that isn't an option at a Gladiators game. It's like in the mockumentary "Spinal Tap," where they turn the knobs on the amplifiers to "11" instead of the usual max-out level of 10.

If they would just pump down the volume to 8.5, the Arena Football League would be infinitely more enjoyable for those of us over 40 who have banished our Metallica and Motley Crue LPs to the storage shed and value what's left of our eardrums. Until I had to start signing like Marlee Matlin to carry on a conversation on press row, I was almost beginning to enjoy the Gladiators' 46-37 victory against the Los Angeles Avengers in front of a crowd that would have been announced at 10,042, were the music not being pumped in at 1,000 watts per channel, precluding anything short of an air raid from being announced.

In reality, there appeared to be only about 7,500 of what by now are hearing-impaired spectators on hand. But like the heavy metal tunes that blared incessantly, the sheer volume of the crowd was impressive. Seven more turnouts like that, and the Gladiators may make it to a fourth season, which is at least two more than I initially thought they would last. While I've never been a big fan of Football in a Can, Sunday's Gladiators game had me on the edge on my seat. I guess it should be noted that given the Thomas & Mack's awful sight lines for hockey and now arena football, that's the only way you can watch the game from press row -- leaning forward, on the edge of your seat.

It was the first 50-yard indoor war I had watched in person since the Sting, which used to play at the MGM Grand, left town in 1995. But the rules haven't changed all that much. Many teams, if the Avengers' performance on Sunday is any indication, still have trouble catching a live football off those Gloucester swordfish boat nets that are strung up above the end zones.

And it is apparent that offsides in arena football is like the phantom double play in baseball. I guess all that is required is that the man in motion be somewhere in the neighborhood of the line of scrimmage when the ball is snapped.

From where I was sitting, it appeared the man in motion was offside about 95 percent of the time. Of course, from where I was sitting, you could also see Nova Scotia. But I couldn't see the Redd Vision replay screen, because there were two giant subwoofers in the way. Midway through the third quarter, I think I spotted a peregrine falcon building a nest in the gondola of the Goodyear blimp.

Forget about 11 on the amplifiers. Until Sunday, I didn't realize the seating sections at the T&M even went up to 229. By halftime, I had a nosebleed and an ear bleed. Why couldn't one of the Gladiators goddesses, which is what the team calls its cheerleaders, be Hortense, Goddess of Earplugs?

As for the game, what was happening on the field was kind of fun. Although I don't have much of a reference point, it didn't appear to be a particularly well played game, and the limited square yardage between the dasher boards all but makes the running game obsolete. Thus, the Bears would make a nice arena football team.

Michael Vick and Donovan McNabb, on the other hand, probably wouldn't make very good arena football players, because there's not enough room to make moves. But given that most of the players in Sunday's game hailed from agate-type schools such as Western Carolina, Slippery Rock, Colorado School of Mines, Guilford College and MacMurray, perhaps having the room to maneuver isn't a factor.

Given that 24 of the 47 franchises that have played under the AFL banner since the league was hatched in 1987 no longer exist, I guess arena football is still an acquired taste. But at least Gladiators fans seem to have an appetite for it. From where I was sitting, it was clear (with the use of a spyglass) that they enjoyed themselves, and even made noise on the rare occasions the town crier on the public address system didn't ask for it.

Unlike most Las Vegas sports crowds, the Gladiators' fans didn't leave early. But I wasn't sure if that was because they wanted to mingle with the players or because they couldn't hear the final horn because the music was too loud.