Columnist Susan Snyder: Light reading isn’t men’s forte

Tuesday, Jan. 11, 2005 | 8:18 a.m.

One can only imagine the fallout if Vogue magazine rated Las Vegas' women as being among the nation's fattest or dumbest.

I am referring to, of course, what would happen after we stormed every magazine sales outlet in town and conducted a bonfire at Cashman Field.

Truthfully, can you think of a single instance in which telling women they are fat and stupid would sell magazines?

Of course you can't. Even if you can, you're not dumb enough to say so.

But two national men's magazines -- Men's Fitness and Men's Health -- last week released surveys that name Las Vegas' men the ninth fattest and the fourth stupidest, respectively.

What's more, Men's Fitness had the grapes to tell our guys they are even dumpier than last year, when it ranked Las Vegas 16th nationally.

It seems the editors have no aversion to saying, "Not only do you look fat in those jeans, you look fatter than you did last year, in those jeans."

Bet they would never exchange "dress" for "jeans" at home.

And while our guys are heavy on the bathroom scale, the most recent issue of Men's Health magazine says they are light on the IQ scale. Out of 101 metro areas, Las Vegas' men were rated fourth stupidest, earning an overall "F" in intelligence.

If it's any consolation, Fort Wayne, Ind., was rated the dumbest. Those guys probably would be upset, if they could read.

An editor at Men's Health told Las Vegas Sun reporter David Kihara last week that the survey wasn't intended to embarrass Las Vegas. Instead, it sought to give residents information so they could change their behaviors. The editor likened the report to previous ones targeting water quality, traffic and environmental issues.

It does seem plausible that perhaps our guys would have fared better this time around if only they'd listened to those previous surveys. After all, haven't we been nagging them for years to fix the sprinkler system and pick up after themselves?

"See? Driving like an idiot can make you one!" we shout waving issues of "their" magazines in front of them as they shove their hands deeper into the chip bags and wait for halftime to end.

Men's Health editors should realize it's a lot easier to decide to conserve water, recycle or drive more sanely than it is to just stop being stupid. And I challenge any one of those guys at Men's Health to come here and learn to deal craps -- or at least explain how the game works.

And yet, my question persists: Is there a women's magazine on the planet that could remain in existence after calling entire metropolitan areas of women fatter than their neighbors?

The e-mail responses alone would bring their editorial computer systems to a screeching halt.

And the nation's chocolatiers would be able to retire.

Intrigued, I asked The Other why men's magazines could get away with marketing tools disguised by such blasphemy.

"It's easy," The Other said. "We don't care."

It reminded me of that television commercial featuring a guy in a bar who asked his buddies if his jeans made his thighs look fat. It was funny because it never happens.

And it never happens because life isn't fair.

Pass the ice cream, and keep your surveys to yourselves -- if you know what's good for you.