Columnist Ron Kantowski: Tags, you’re full of it

Monday, Feb. 7, 2005 | 8:53 a.m.

Ron Kantowski is a Las Vegas Sun sports writer. Reach him at ron@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4088.

In his previous life, before he overhauled all those TV evangelists to become the world's biggest money-grabbing hypocrite, NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, it can be assumed, was a pretty good lawyer.

In fact, according to his bio on a sports business Web site, Tagliabue, a former senior partner at a powerful Washington D.C.-based firm who had served as the NFL's legal counsel for almost 20 years before taking over as commissioner for Pete Rozelle in 1989, is "by all accounts, a brilliant man."

That will have to be amended to "almost" all accounts. Because by Las Vegas' account, Tagliabue is an archaic, foolish man.

In fact, based on how he responded to a question from ESPN Radio 920's John Hanson during his annual "State of the NFL" address at the Super Bowl on Friday, it might be a good thing that Tagliabue no longer is practicing law.

"Can you explain how the league finds alcoholic beverage advertising acceptable ... and not Las Vegas ads?" Hanson asked Tagliabue during a question-and-answer session. "And at the same time, why the league has chosen to crack down on Super Bowl parties in Las Vegas?"

I remember an old George Carlin routine (before he, too, started dissing our sometimes fair city) where he said his classmates in Catholic school used to spend weeks coming up with confounding questions with which to stump the parish priest. Such as "If God is all powerful, can he make a rock so big that even he can't lift it?"

Judging by the convoluted logic of the pro football deity's response, Tagliabue buckled under the weight of Hanson's simple query.

"Well, Las Vegas has sports gambling," the commissioner began, enlightening all of mankind. "And I think the Congress has made it clear, and we have made it clear, that we don't want our game our associated with sports gambling."

Even though sports gambling, in the eyes of many, made the NFL the corporate monolith it is today.

Granted, the NFL has been good for local business, too. That's why we regulate betting on the games, a service we indirectly provide to the NFL for free.

As Mayor Goodman says, "The NFL should thank the Lord every day that Nevada has the regulatory agencies that are able to assure betting is legitimate on football."

But forget, at least for a moment, about the tens of millions that are bet on the Super Bowl legally here. And the hundreds of millions that are bet on the game illegally and/or at offshore or Internet betting sites. Or by calling a guy named "Vinnie." And even forget those four squares you bought for $10 each while sitting in front of your neighbor's big-screen TV late Sunday afternoon.

But remember this: The only reason that Joe Namath and his New York Jets' place in history is guaranteed is because somebody in Las Vegas thought the Baltimore Colts should have won Super Bowl III by 18 points.

Any public defender with a threadbare corduroy sport jacket could tell you that. But not Tagliabue. He's still trying to figure out how to put that Levitra money into the NFL coffers without having to explain why it is OK to show a man and a woman getting frisky in an old bathtub but a federal offense when a desperate housewife drops her towel in front of a wide receiver.

"Is that a big check in your pocket or are you just happy to see us?" was Tagliabue's company line until recently, when he apparently decided the NFL is so stinking rich that it didn't need an official erectile dysfunction sponsor anymore.

Another thing the NFL didn't need was a follow-up question from Hanson that would further illustrate how its policies regarding Las Vegas are more antiquated than Otto Graham's helmet.

Of course, the longer Tagliabue talked, the more he made a follow-up question redundant.

"Beer advertising is legal," Tagliabue added, hemming and hawing as he wondered how anybody with "Las Vegas" on their credential managed to sneak past security. "Consumption of beer is legal. America tried prohibition in the last century and it didn't work too well."

Wh-a-a-a-t?

So America tried prohibition in the last century and it didn't work too well. Then why is the NFL trying it again in this century, at least as far as its no-fly zone regarding Las Vegas, and trying to make it stick?

I'm not a lawyer, don't play one on TV and didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. But if prohibiting the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority from purchasing a 30-second spot during the Super Bowl (wouldn't want to upstage Gladys Knight playing rugby) and prohibiting our hotel-casinos from showing the game on a TV bigger than a postage stamp isn't part of the root word, then why were our hotel-casinos trying to sneak Plasma sets into ballrooms in 55-inch hip flasks Sunday?

"Responsible advertising is critical," Tagliabue said in what would be the last word on Las Vegas, at least until Fox's James Brown mentioned us in the official pregame show in conjunction with -- oh, the horror -- the point spread that favored the Patriots.

"Responsible policies in regard to the service of beer are critical. And I think that we and others who are involved in these issues have struck the correct balance on those subjects."

I would suggest that Mr. Commissioner purchase an end zone ticket at Network Associates Coliseum for a Raiders game and see if he still believes afterward that the NFL has struck the correct balance on the service of beer.

By the way, the lead story on the Raiders' Web site Sunday was touting an appearance by two of the team's sideline strippers -- the NFL insists on calling them cheerleaders -- one of which was pictured in a swimsuit consisting of dental floss and Kerry Collins' quarterback towel.

Yeah, I know, we've got our own dancing girls in Las Vegas. But at least we are up front about our wardrobe malfunctions.

And, unlike in the NFL, you've got to be at least 21 to see one.