Sunday, Dec. 25, 2005 | 8:18 a.m.
As with so much else, when it comes to the 12 days of Christmas, there's the normal way of going about things, and then there's the Vegas way.
In this case, that's not so bad. Because really, when it comes right down to it, other than the five golden rings, how many of the presents mentioned in the holiday classic would you really want to find under your Christmas tree?
Oh sure, there's a certain cachet to a partridge in a pear tree and it might even be fun to play with on Christmas Day. But who's going to start cleaning up behind it on the 26th? Same goes for those turtle doves, French hens and calling birds.
Before thumbing through the Yellow Pages feverishly searching for eight maids a-milking, nine ladies dancing and 10 lords a-leaping, think of how crowded your living room is going to be. And isn't the holiday already hectic enough without the hassle of dealing with the Musicians Union to line up 11 pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming?
Plus, if the only gift you give your true love on Christmas is six geese a-laying, you could find yourself a-sleeping on the sofa that night.
Even if you could find all of those gifts -- and one rushed trip to the Forum Shops on Christmas Eve probably isn't going to get the job done -- be prepared for an unpleasant surprise when your credit card bill arrives in the mail.
PNC Financial Services Group, which began calculating a Christmas Price Index in the 1980s as a lighthearted way of tracking the rising costs of the goods and services enumerated in "The Twelve Days of Christmas," found that this year's overall price tag is $18,349, a 21-year high.
But if you live in Las Vegas, you can be true to the spirit of the song -- while updating it with a bit of Strip glitz and pizazz -- without having to take out a second mortgage.
All it takes is a little ingenuity and a Las Vegas state of mind, starting with the first of the 12 days of gifts -- the partridge in a pear tree.
Don't walk into a Strip gift shop and expect to find this one. But the next time David Cassidy is in town performing, as he often is, talk him into going with you to the Gilcrease Orchard, and then once there persuade him to climb into a pear tree -- perhaps by threatening to give Danny Bonaducci his new cell phone number if he doesn't. (If the partridge half of this gift has to be explained to you, you either weren't watching TV in the early 1970s or don't receive Nick at Night in your cable package.)
About $100 should cover a concert ticket and gas money to the orchard. If David is an unwilling participant, though, bail money on the kidnapping charge would be extra. Either way, that's one down, 11 to go.
Day two is easier. A couple of $72 seats at Lance Burton's magic show will let you scratch the two turtle doves off your shopping list. (And, one hopes, not having to scrape anything off your jacket if the doves fly overhead.)
Three French hens -- well, they had their talons in the air and were holding up little white flags, so they sure looked French -- cost about 75 cents a pound at Ace Poultry. (Retailers say they know of no live poultry dealers in the area.) Or you could head to Caesars Palace for three free range chicken entrees at Wolfgang Puck's Spago at $28 each.
Book a $110 hotel room and let the Sirens of Treasure Island offer up the four calling birds. After the show, stroll down the Strip to Caesars Palace, where you can pick up five golden rings at $980 each at Bvlgari. You could save a few Benjamins by shopping instead at the Jewelry Stores of Broken Dreams, aka the pawn shops of the Strip. But then, the knowledge that you got the rings because some guy was foolish enough to hit on 17 at the blackjack tables might take some of the sheen off the gold.
Unless you don't mind having to step around goose droppings, the six geese a-laying idea, like the three French hens, might be another gift best handled via a do-it-once-on-Christmas-and-then-forget-about-it approach. For that, have the foie gras appetizer as part of a two-course meal at Valentino at the Venetian for $48. Let's price Day Six at $175 for dinner for two, with drinks and tip.
Head back to the theater for seven swans a-swimming, a gift to which you can give a modern twist by dropping $150 per seat to watch Cirque du Soleil's "O" at the Bellagio.
With the dearth of dairy farms in Southern Nevada, finding eight maids a-milking poses a challenge. But one idea that gets you in the milk products realm is to purchase a VIP champagne dance with strawberries and cream for $400 at Spearmint Rhino.
Admittedly, if you're a man, this is probably more a gift for you than for your wife or girlfriend. But if she's getting the booty from 11 of the 12 days, do you think she'd complain over one measly day going to you? Yeah, you're right, she probably would.
Las Vegas offers nearly unlimited choices for finding Day Nine's nine ladies dancing. A few singles wiggled at stage side would do the trick at Spearmint Rhino or any of the city's numerous other strip clubs, but we've already discussed the potential hazards of that approach.
A slightly tamer choice would be to spend $20 (the late night cover charge for two) to get into Coyote Ugly at New York-New York. If you plan on buying each of the nine bar top-dancing ladies a drink, you could easily peel off another $100 bill to complete that day's task.
Men perhaps can earn a get out of jail free pass from their significant other's lingering unhappiness over Day Eight (and maybe Day Nine, too) by buying their ladies a $43.95 ticket to the Thunder From Down Under show, which should feature at least 10 lords a-leaping.
For Day 11, opt for something a bit more upmarket by plopping down $66 per seat to catch 11 pipers piping at the Las Vegas Symphony. After the past few days, it perhaps will be comforting to know that the only skin on display here will be covering the kettledrums.
And on the 12th Day of Christmas, grab a couple of $126 tickets to see the Blue Man Group at the Venetian. Yes, it's true that only three Blue Men perform together on stage, but down a few overpriced drinks and you'll soon be seeing 12 Blue Men dashing around and pounding drums.
The total tab for this Las Vegas-styled 12 days of Christmas gift package prices out at about $6,500 -- and, as pointed out along the way, economies could easily reduce that by half or more.
But if you tackle the 12 days just this way, just think of the smile it will put on your true love's face. Besides, you're liable to come away with a bonus gift -- David Cassidy's autograph.
Barry M. Horstman can be reached at 259-4073 or at [email protected].
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