Columnist Susan Snyder: Cows create their own gas crisis

Thursday, Aug. 4, 2005 | 8:17 a.m.

As our valley air quality alternates between Hack Less and Hack More, we should count our blessings and be glad we don't have cows.

Air regulators in California (Those people regulate everything, don't they?), say dairy cows create more air pollution than cars and light trucks.

Now we all know how they plug into the car to test the exhaust, but ...

Anyway, according to an Associated Press report the San Joaquin Valley Unified Air Pollution Control District released a study Monday that says a single cow emits 19.3 pounds of "volatile organic compounds."

Annually. (Well, of course. How else would the cow emit it?)

This means the San Joaquin Valley's dairy cows produce 50 tons of smog-causing pollution each day, which is significantly more than the 20 tons created daily by the area's cars and light trucks.

As a result, 250 more dairy operators will have to obtain permits for their phooting livestock, and those with permits will have to comply with additional regulations.

It is unknown what cows without permits do, or rather, don't do.

"There is no technology, there's nothing we can do about it," one farmer told the AP. "Most of what's coming out is coming from the cow."

Yes, but like we said before, some states will regulate anything.

Poor Elton John.

A news-wire item regarding an extension of Barry Manilow's contract at the Las Vegas Hilton quoted a hotel official who mentioned Celine Dion and Elton John, the two headlining entertainers who perform regularly at Caesars Palace.

The Hilton spokesman mentioned all three entertainers by first name only in his comment. But the wire service chose to put Elton John's last name in parentheses, a notation reserved for times when readers won't recognize the person by first name alone.

Honestly, isn't it bad enough that they only book the guy on nights Celine (Dion) is dark?

The Las Vegas Monorail officials probably would be gleeful if all they had to face were a few flatulent cows and second-banana billing.

Alas, a Nevada Taxation Commission member says something smells funny about the Crazy Train being exempt from paying state sales tax. The privilege is reserved for charitable, religious and nonprofit organizations.

The state Taxation Department director said the exemption was granted because the monorail provides the kind of mass transportation typically provided by a government.

Maybe it's confusing because the government's transit options typically run without huge gaps in service or stuff falling off of its vehicles.

Still, we ought to give them some credit for keeping tourists off the street, so we only have to worry about running over our own pedestrians at those bus stops.

Perhaps we should send the monorail over to the dairy cows of the San Joaquin. The intestinally prolific bovines could spend their days emitting in air conditioned cars, which would then release filtered air.

It would reduce air pollution. And that is, after all, a goal of mass transit, right?