Friday, April 1, 2005 | 9:14 a.m.
Lisa Ferguson's Laugh Lines column appears Fridays. Her Sun Lite Column appears Mondays. Reach her at [email protected].
Everyone is a comedian on April Fool's Day -- and that's probably not a good thing.
We at Laugh Lines stand firm in our belief that joke-telling should be handled not by annoying office pranksters or precocious, potty-mouthed preschoolers, but by experienced professional stand-up comics such as those who have previously graced this space.
In honor of the day -- as well as the second anniversary of this column's debut, on April 4, 2003 -- we called upon several of the latter and asked that they share with readers their favorite "clean" jokes (this is, after all, a family newspaper).
Arm-twisting, to the surprise of no one, was minimal: Some offered original snippets from their stand-up acts, while others deferred to the masterworks of comedy's greatest jokesters, or dusted off a couple of timeless, corny classics. Here, for your April Fool's Day enjoyment, are submissions from:
Poker fanatic and Las Vegas resident Ron Shock, a regular Comedy Stop at The Trop headliner: "Know the difference between praying at the poker table and praying at church? At the poker table, you really mean it."
Former late-night talk-show host Allan Havey (The Improv at Harrah's): "My girlfriend wants me to go to therapy. There's no way I'm going. I'm a comedian: I'm not going to pay somebody to hear my best stuff."
Carla Rea, co-star of "Divas of Comedy" at Sahara: "I'm really feeling old. I went to a nightclub with some friends. I must have looked tired, because this little club girl comes over to me and says, 'Hey, want to do a hit of Ecstasy?' 'Are you kidding? I can't even do dairy anymore.' "
Comedy great Tom Dreesen, who last fall appeared at the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. He recalls a joke he performed on St. Patrick's Day one year at Caesar's Palace: "There were 100,000 Irishmen in Las Vegas today. This is the first time in the history of Las Vegas that they comped your gambling, but you had to pay for your drinks."
Bob Golub, star of the one-man show "Dodo" (The Improv at Harrah's): "My wife woke me this morning and hit me. 'What was that for?' 'I had a dream you were cheating on me.' And I said, 'Her name wasn't Sue, was it?' "
Comedy Stop at The Trop frequenter Harry Basil, writer and co-producer of several Rodney Dangerfield flicks, who offers one of his favorite Dangerfield bits: "My wife can't cook. In my kitchen, the roaches are anorexic."
Juggler Chris Bliss (Riviera Comedy Club): "The psychiatrist tells his patient that he has good news and bad news. The good news is that the patient has high self-esteem, a healthy concept of self-love and an excellent degree of self-confidence. The bad news is, none of these things has any basis in reality."
Carole Montgomery, host of "Midnight Fantasy" at Luxor, and star of the one-woman show "Confessions of a PT&A Mom," who sends a joke penned years ago by her then-6-year-old son: "Carrot Top and Barney walk into a bar. Who do we shoot first?"
Diehard Boston Red Sox fan and online entrepreneur Bruce Fine (The Improv at Harrah's): "A 24-year-old former America Online software engineer pleaded guilty Friday to stealing 92 million screen names and e-mail addresses, and selling them to spammers. He faces up to two years in prison, a $300,000 fine, and a lifetime of e-mails promising lower mortgages and a bigger penis size."
Former "The Howard Stern Show" sidekick and Riviera Comedy Club performer Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling: "Campbell's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all 10 of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, 'Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.' Campbell says, 'I haven't got the fingers.' The doctor says, 'What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2005. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?' Campbell says, 'Well, jeez, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up.' "
Shelly McCarty, host of "Laughs at The Beach" at The Beach nightclub: "I'm on a new diet, called the Mirror Diet, that's been working pretty well. You can eat whatever you want as long as you do it in front of a full-length mirror. I love it! Of course, I've been kicked out of six restaurants so far."
Jim David, former panelist on Comedy Central's "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn" (Comedy Stop at The Trop): "A woman walked into a pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, 'I'd like some cyanide. I want to kill my husband.' The pharmacist said, 'I can't do that. That's illegal.' The woman then produced a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the photo and said, 'Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.' "
Computer-book author Wally Wang (Riviera Comedy Club): "Many scientists believe that life exists on Mars. This has many people excited because if this is true, this could be the only known form of life in the universe that still hasn't seen pictures of Paris Hilton naked."
Jeff Capri, an Improv at Harrah's frequenter and son of Catskills comic Dick Capri: "I went to see David Copperfield. I was a bit disappointed. He made two things disappear: time and money."
Riviera Comedy Club player Dennis Blair, the longtime opening act for Dennis Carlin, offers this oldie-but-goodie: "A skeleton walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, 'Give me a beer and a mop.' "
Part-time corporate "imposter" Russ T. Nailz (The Improv at Harrah's): "I asked a friend if he had a retirement plan for him and his wife. He said, 'When I'm 85, I'm gonna shoot someone and go to prison. I'll have a place to sleep, three meals a day and a cellmate that might think I'm cute.' I said, 'That's your retirement plan? When you're 85, you're gonna shoot someone and go to prison? What about your wife?' He said, 'Who do you think I'm gonna shoot?' "
Auto-accident-prone "Laughs at The Beach" headliner Joe Lowers: "Did you hear about all the Dunkin' Donuts employees getting laid off? Yeah, they were hanging out at the police station when they were supposed to be working."
Computer consultant/comic Andrew Solmssen (Riviera Comedy Club): "I grew up in Washington, D.C., and for a little while we lived next door to the Cheney family. As a child, I actually played with Dick Cheney's gay daughter. And now, I like to think I had something to do with that."
Legendary comedian Shelley Berman (The Improv at Harrah's): "In the middle of the street a crowd is circled about a man lying flat on his back crying, 'Get me a priest! Get me a priest!' But there is no priest to be found. Finally, from the edges of the crowd, an old man steps forward, and with a strong hint of Jewishness in his speech, says, 'Well, I'm not a Catholic and I'm not a priest, but for 50 years I have lived behind St. Agnes Church. For 50 years every night, I hear the Litany. Every night for 50 years, the Litany. Maybe I can help.' The people say, 'Help him. Help him.' The old man goes to the fallen man, kneels and in urgent tones says, 'B-27. N-19. I-40 ...' "
Yankee Stadium's "Beer Man" Steve Lazarus (Riviera Comedy Club): "I went on a date with Siamese twins. My friend asked, did I have a good time. I said, 'Yes and no.' "
Another Riviera regular, Hiram Kasten, formerly of "The Rat Pack is Back" at the Desert Inn: "An old man is approached by a hooker. She says, 'Hey, buddy, you want to have super sex?' The old man answers, 'I'll take the soup.' "
Out for laughs
Patton Oswalt, of the CBS sitcom "The King of Queens," headlines "The Hollywood Comedy" tour at 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. Saturday at The Palms. Comedian Sebastian is also on the bill. Tickets are $25.
The winners of the recent "Laugh Off" comedy contest -- held March 24 and March 26 during the "Laughs at The Beach" show -- have been announced. Brendan Hahn finished in first place, with Matt Markman and Luke Anderson rounding out the top three. The men were awarded cash prizes after four judges determined they were the funniest of the dozen contestants who competed.
On a sad note, comedian Mitch Hedberg -- who headlined a show in October at House of Blues at Mandalay Bay -- died Wednesday in a New Jersey hotel room.
An official cause of death has not been determined, though published reports say his family was told he suffered a heart attack.
The 37-year-old Minnesota native had appeared in the film "Almost Famous," as well as on the TV series "That '70s Show," among others, and was a frequent guest on "The Late Show with David Letterman" and radio's "The Howard Stern Show."
Hedberg, who toured in 2003 with comedians Lewis Black and Dave Attell, had built a solid fan following with his absurd, observation-driven one-liners.
