Friday, Nov. 12, 2004 | 8:49 a.m.
There's a reason Judy Tenuta is looking svelte these days: "I just lost 180 pounds of unsightly flab -- I dropped my pig boyfriend!" she claims.
There's no way of knowing for certain whether the comedian -- aka "The Love Goddess," "Aphrodite of the Accordion" and "The Queen of Candy Pants," among others, who headlines Tuesday through Nov. 21 at The Improv at Harrah's -- is telling the truth about her late relationship, or staying in character while unleashing another of her frenetic rants about the opposite sex.
In any case, it's best to simply try and keep up with the high priestess of "Judyism" ("In my religion, only I get to whine," she explains) while she preaches: "You know what? Sometimes you just have to take out the trash, Baby, you know what I'm sayin'? So we kicked that pig to the curb -- excuse me, as if he has a reason to live," she says.
"So, I'm gonna be husband hunting while I'm out there in Vegas -- some hot pigs. And don't get me wrong: I know Wayne Newton is hot for me but, hel-lo, I don't know if I can handle all that black shoe polish he's got on his head, you know, unless I need to buff my boots."
Tenuta sees the tops of plenty of noggins; as the goddess, she shamelessly directs fans of her outrageous, accordion-anchored shtick to bow in her presence.
"Oh, I'm sassy, honey. It's totally sassy," she explained of her act during a recent call to her home in Los Angeles' San Fernando Valley. "I don't stay within the boundaries of, 'OK, I'm gonna put myself down and talk about being a housewife-slash-ugly girl.' No, I'm a goddess -- kneel down, pigs!"
Men typically are targets of her all-in-good-fun tirades, which are often punctuated by her trademark catchphrase, "It could happen!"
"They're just useless pieces of space junk ... I hate men right now," she says, but quickly counters with the next breath, "I want to welcome all you men that are willing to worship the goddess, bring me gifts and, of course, always be faithful. We cannot have any cheating pigs!"
For that matter, she could also do without Cher: "Excuse me, I'm mad at her now. First of all, she's never retiring even though she promises to. And then the other thing is, she's stealing all my boyfriends, the (expletive deleted)! No, she's not."
If not beaus, then audiences maybe. Similar to the songstress' fan base, a sizable chunk of Tenuta's devotees are gay men. "I'm really fun and I'm outspoken and I speak up for them," the comic explains. "And, let's face it, I wear fabulous outfits."
Tenuta claims to design most of the flowing gowns and other outlandish garb she dons onstage. She once found herself in a bind, however, when an airline lost her luggage on the way to a gig on the island resort of St. Thomas.
"Of course, a big, fat drag queen picks me up (at the airport) with a giant B-52's hairdo," Tenuta recalls. "And I'm like, 'What am I gonna do?' She goes, 'Come with me, honey. We're going into my closet.' Well, of course everything was like eight times too big, but we managed to at least get a showgirl headpiece on, and it was really fun." (Photos of the resulting ensemble are posted on www.judytenuta.com.)
Always in tow is Tenuta's accordion, on which she performs original, tongue-in-cheek tunes. She promises to present a brand new batch of ditties during her Improv shows. "The accordion is a major turn-on. That's what people have told me. They always wanna touch it," she says. "I make them get on their knees, and then they're allowed to kiss it ... and then they feel gratified, and then they jump off a cliff. What more is there to live for?"
During her 20 years in the business, Tenuta -- a two-time Grammy nominee for her comedy CDs; author ("The Power of Judyism," 1991, Harper-Collins); and one-time Diet Dr. Pepper spokeswoman -- has made a multitude of television appearances.
The 1988 American Comedy Award winner has been featured in comedy specials on the HBO, Showtime and Lifetime cable networks. She served as a guest correspondent on "Entertainment Tonight"; and most recently was a recurring panelist on the defunct game show "Hollywood Squares," as well as a pop-culture pundit on the E! network's "101 Most Starlicious Makeovers" list series.
"I wanna get my own TV show, and we're working on that," she says, though she's tight-lipped on specifics, except to explain that there is "an exec producer who's working on a show with me and a couple of other female comedians."
Tenuta, who celebrated a birthday on Sunday (but contends, "I'm ageless because I'm a goddess"), appeared on the big screen in several forgettable B-movies. In 1998 she produced and starred in "Desperation Boulevard," as a former-child-star-turned-comeback-obsessed-kid.
In 2002 she co-starred in productions of "The Vagina Monologues" in Los Angeles and Chicago, and is penning a musical that she plans to eventually stage.
"I've written the songs, and I'm getting the script together ... Oh, it's gonna be funny, Honey. A little hint: There's some really funny, kinda country music in it -- the fun kind, knee-slappin' music," she says in an exaggerated drawl.
"I'm doing less (stand-up shows) because I'm trying to concentrate more on these other things," she explains. "But, you know, a goddess has to grace the stages of Vegas."
In fact, Tenuta says, people have asked why there's not yet a casino showroom with her name on it.
"I go, 'Excuse me, I'm not a nude magician.' They want everybody to be half-naked and do magic. I'm sorry -- I can pull a rabbit out of my (rear end), but I need to have a top on."
Out for laughs
There will be no rest for Vegas frequenter Basile beginning in the new year. Following several performances -- at a local venue to be announced -- tentatively scheduled for late January, the comic will head to London in early February for a pair of shows, followed by a series of gigs throughout Greece (his act is performed in both English and Greek). Then it's off to Australia, where he'll play several cities during late March and early April.
In the meantime, he's promoting his new line of Greek-style food seasonings, called Spice It Up with Basile, which recently launched in Canada and will soon be available in U.S. supermarkets. If that weren't enough, Basile says he's also pitching to television execs an idea for a series, which he describes as "a combination of reality TV with a regular sitcom."
Catch Jeremy Hotz -- scheduled to headline The Improv at Harrah's Dec. 7 through Dec. 12 -- tonight among the lineup of Comedy Central's "Friday Night Stand-up" programming from 9 p.m. to midnight (Cox cable channel 56).
Laugh Lines friend Dennis Blair -- profiled here in February -- sent a note urging us to catch his appearances today and Monday through Nov. 19 as a panelist on the game show "Balderdash," airing at 5 p.m. on the Pax network (Cox cable channel 51).
Members of the famed Second City Comedy Troupe -- which has a production show at Flamingo Las Vegas, as well as theaters in several other cities -- are headed to the Persian Gulf region to perform for troops as part of a USO/Armed Forces Entertainment tour. This will be Second City's sixth such outing; previous tours have taken players to Alaska, Kosovo, Bosnia, Germany and other European locales.02
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