Columnist Susan Snyder: Judgment takes brief vacation

Friday, May 28, 2004 | 8:29 a.m.

As we embark on the weekend that for most Americans marks the beginning of summer and the seasons of backyard barbecues, public safety officials will be faced with yet another American tradition:

Natural selection.

For no number of drunk-driving checkpoints and routine traffic stops will be enough to save some of us from ourselves.

This year law enforcement officers also will be cracking down on those among us who do not use seat belts while riding in motor vehicles -- a violation for which we can only be ticketed after being stopped for some other boneheaded move we've made.

And that which police officers cannot curb with enforcement of traffic laws, nature shall enforce with the law of natural selection.

After 20 years of working (or trying to avoid working) on three-day weekends I can only say this: Survival of the fittest finds its glory the last weekend of May.

Fire rescue workers can expect at least one call relating to some combination of a propane tank, beer, a book of matches and a guy in an extremely flammable Hawaiian shirt whose first name has a hyphen.

Next time, they will tell him, take the grill out of the garage before you light it.

Lake Mead is sure to be a prime viewing spot for those interested in the natural selection process. Launch ramps, beer, party boats with 15 people and four life jackets, beer, jet boats, beer and the fact that there's a whole lot more sticking out of the water right now will add to the fun.

It is a scientifically proven fact that when one mixes beer, a sailboat and a cousin from the odd side of the family, the captain's declaration to "prepare to come about" sounds a lot like, "Pass me another one o' them Bud Lights."

And another of Darwin's children is scraped from the deck and into the depths of nature's selective process.

It is hard to imagine that so many of our species cannot see that which is sure to send them to that big three-day weekend in the sky.

It is hard to guess the number of rescue efforts that will be launched by a six-pack and these words: "Hey Virgil. Watch me climb to the top of that there ledge."

Why do we dive from boats when we know not what lies beneath the water's surface or how far beneath the surface said object lies?

Why do we consider "gasoline" a synonym for "charcoal lighter"?

Why do we think an energy bar and one 16-ounce bottle of water is enough to sustain two hikers in the desert?

Why?

Natural selection.

Too many of us are surviving seventh grade, acne and prom. Too many of us are shimmying through student loans, our first car-buying experiences and even catastrophic diseases.

Germs, wars and felons no longer are doing the job. Nature has little choice but to turn our stupidity on ourselves.

And in an admirable effort to help some of us survive the three-day natural selection heyday, police officers will be ticketing those of us who still -- still -- can't fathom why we should click the seat belt before we start the car.

You have to wonder, though.

Is there special consideration for those who don't buckle up because they haven't yet evolved a thumb?