Spears languishes in zzzzzone

Spencer Patterson

Monday, March 8, 2004 | 8:15 a.m.

Early in her Saturday night concert, Britney Spears tried injecting a little levity into her performance.

"There's a lot of cute guys in the audience. Are you guys feeling lucky? Maybe if you're really lucky I might marry you," Spears joked, referring to her infamous 55-hour Las Vegas marriage this year.

The wisecrack -- reportedly a nightly bit on Spears' "Onyx Hotel Tour" -- failed to generate much laughter from the near sell-out MGM Grand Garden Arena crowd of 13,300.

Instead, it was indicative of the show as a whole, an ill-conceived, musically impaired event that left some of Spears' most ardent fans looking bored with arms folded and sent several to the gates before the 90-minute event had concluded.

That was a fairly shocking development, considering Spears' supporters appeared quite ready to party all night before the 22-year-old headliner arrived onstage.

Hordes of young female fans -- some scantily dressed to look like their blond-haired hero -- packed into the arena hours early, many accompanied by a parent or two.

The crowd's energy was palpable early, evidenced by the crazed reaction when opening act Kelis closed out her set with hit single "Milkshake."

The singer tore off her shirt to reveal a bikini top and plenty of flesh, and the audience instantly rose, gleefully mimicking Kelis' "Milkshake" dance.

Spears' set was also designed to titillate, as her adorers were unnecessarily reminded from time to time by the show's creepy M.C.

A cross between a circus clown and a comic book villain, he filled breaks during Spears' seven costume changes, wandering through the crowd to insult her fans.

"Frankly, I find you boring," he told a woman from Reno in one inane scene broadcast over three giant screens high above the stage.

Spears, a one-time member of the Mickey Mouse Club, did her best to live up to her new image as America's sexpot. Most of her outfits left little to the imagination, from a cleavage-baring black latex get-up to begin the show to a flesh-colored bodysuit for "Touch of My Hand."

During the latter, Spears rolled around in a champagne-glass-shaped bathtub, rubbing her erogenous zones as she sang the self-described "ode to masturbation."

Parents of prepubescent children in the crowd looked more dismayed moments later, when Spears' dozen or so dancers performed a racy routine during "Breathe on Me," another cut from the pop star's latest CD, "In the Zone."

Several cast members simulated sexual positions on beds at one end of the stage, while two male dancers removed one-another's pants at the other. Spears paused from her own gyrations for a long open-mouthed kiss with one bare-chested male dancer.

Musically, Spears' performance was even less engaging. Her five-piece band's instrumentation generally amounted to little more than a nondescript, thumping backbeat. For most of the night the bass guitar and bass drum dominated the mix, creating a heavy, plodding sound totally inconsistent with Spears' poppy stylings.

Two backing vocalists -- one male, one female -- stood tucked away atop a large riser, out of the sightlines of at least a third of the audience. That was a shame, considering the duo contributed far more live singing than did Spears.

Though she denies it publicly, Spears clearly lip-synced for some, if not all, of the concert. How else to explain the controlled level of her voice, compared to the deep, heavy breathing she demonstrated while chatting between songs.

Spears' lips occasionally lagged behind the words coming out of her speakers. And when she bumped her headset microphone on occasion, it had no detectable impact on her vocal delivery.

Surprisingly, Spears took a brief turn at a flower-covered piano at the start of "Everytime." Its keys were turned away from the crowd, however, and the screens never showed footage of her hands during the segment, leading to the obvious conclusion that she was faking that, too.

Fans who showed up to hear Spears' bubblegum-pop hits were let down when she opted against straightforward versions of " ... Baby One More Time" and "'Oops! ... I Did it Again." Instead, she performed both cabaret/lounge style, leaving most of her supporters searching for appropriate dance moves.

Fortunately, the night was not entirely without musical merit. As the clock struck 11 p.m. and the house lights came up, the crowd headed for home to the welcome sound of the Gipsy Kings' Latin-ized take on the Eagles' "Hotel California." Amazing how glorious a good song can sound by comparison.