Rapid Rivers makes waves at Stardust

Monday, June 28, 2004 | 7:57 a.m.

If they had time to stop and think, some fans might be put off by Joan Rivers' foul-mouthed, abrasive brand of humor, which insults almost everyone.

But her rapid-fire delivery of nonsequitur observations leaves little time for anyone to dwell on the offending material.

The 71-year-old Rivers is like a pinball machine, bouncing from topic to topic in no apparent sequence; addressing individuals in the audience; talking to the band; making faces; cursing; laughing; screaming; cutting up.

At least she's nonpartisan.

"I hate everyone, let's just start with that," she shouted as she paced the stage in the Stardust's Wayne Newton Theater, where most of the 1,000 seats were sold out for her final performance Saturday.

Rivers talks faster than most people type, occasionally tripping over sentences too slow to get out of her potty mouth.

Hers is a breathless, hourlong, nonstop performance that is often hilarious, but sometimes has fans wondering whether they should laugh or call the political correctness police.

She tells fart jokes.

"Don't you hate farts?" Rivers said. "Especially the noise of a surprise fart when you don't know it's you?

"If you can feel it coming you can cover it up with noise. 'Here. Let me show you how I tap dance.' Silent farts are the best, you can blame it on someone else. If you can keep a straight face, you can eat beans the rest of your life."

She takes pot shots at members of the audience.

"You're proud of how many children you have?" Rivers said to one fan. "You have 19 children? You're a cow. That's disgusting. And you say you're a happy family? I'll bet, all of you in one trailer. 'We're a Wal-Mart family.' "

She ridicules celebrities.

"Those Hilton girls," Rivers said. "One is a movie star since she made that porno film. The poor Hilton family. The parents, devastated that their little girl is doing a porno film in a Marriott hotel.

"What about poor Charlton Heston? That was a shock. 'I've got Alzheimer's.' Like we didn't know. He's been wearing a (expletive deleted) wig sideways for 18 years. I knew.

"He played Moses in the movies. Came down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments. I don't believe in commandments. I believe in suggestions."

One of her favorite targets was old people, a little chancy since more than half the audience seemed to be comprised of senior citizens.

"I hate everybody, but you know who I hate the most?" Rivers said. "Old people. You say, 'Well, you're old.' Well (expletive deleted) you. I don't see me, I see you.

"And I hate old people who are proud to be old. 'I'm 190 years young.' Yeah, and you stink.

"And they're trying to be spry. 'Look, you broke your hip again.' "

Almost as loathsome to her as old people are ugly people.

"I hate terrorists," she said. "You know why? Because they're unattractive. If you're ugly, stand up right now and get the (expletive deleted) out of my showroom. I want pretty. You get a dollar off if you're pretty. Terrorists are ugly. Have you ever looked at one of those terrorists and said, 'Wow. I wonder if he has a brother.'

"I say level them right now. I don't want them in my DNA pool."

She may have offended a few animal lovers when she joked about the fur stole around her neck, which she claimed was her pet dog when it was alive.

"Is anybody here from PETA?" Rivers said. " I hate PETA people. Do you want to see how he died? Like that (slaps the stole against a stool several times).

"I loved him, but I couldn't get him into England so I killed him. Now he's always with me."

She joked about some Filipinos eating dog meat.

"Actually, my dog committed suicide," Rivers said. "He rolled around in some gravy, went out with an apple in his mouth, scratched on their door, and that was the end of that.

"(The neighbor) said, 'I don't eat dog,' but there's a leash hanging out of her mouth. They go to McDonald's and ask for a bucket of paws. I went to their house for Thanksgiving and the 'turkey' had a Frisbee in its mouth. The turkey looked at me and licked my cheek. I could barely eat it after that."

Sex is not forgotten.

"How many of you have faked an orgasm?" Rivers said. "Well, you should. It's only common courtesy."

She says she dates a lot of old men.

"Once I got a hickey and he left his teeth in my neck," Rivers said. "One of their favorite pickup lines is 'Hi. Do I come here often?'

"Another wanted me to meet his family. He took me to the cemetery."

She said young men are thrilled just to be young and virile.

" 'I got something here you want,' he says,' " said Rivers. " 'Is that where you keep a plastic surgeon?' "