Columnist Susan Snyder: Application creates a real stir

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 | 8:26 a.m.

You know you've fantasized about it.

Many of you have said it aloud.

"Hey, I can always work at Starbucks."

The Tuesday after Memorial Day weekend is one of the most unrewarding work days of the year.

The day after Thanksgiving ranks up there. Ditto for Dec. 26.

But the Tuesday after Memorial Day reminds us that although summer has started, we will not be enjoying any of it because we have to work.

Sullen and sunburned, we drag ourselves to the office and sneer at the boss' back, thinking all the time, "I should just quit this stinkin' job and work at Starbucks."

But, can you?

Let's have a look at the Starbucks job application. I obtained a copy last week. My editor dropped it on my desk after he visited one near the office.

While that could open another, somewhat disturbing, line of thought, we shall focus on what the application says and asks.

"Starbucks Coffee Company is an equal opportunity employer, dedicated to a policy of non-discrimination in employment on any basis including race, color, age, sex, religion, national origin, the presence of mental, physical, or sensory disability, sexual orientation or any other bias prohibited by federal, state, or provincial law."

Works for me -- especially the physical disability part, for I figure I would have a serious one when it came to running that steam-machine thingy.

In addition to your actual name, Starbucks wants to know, "Other names you are known by."

All of them, or simply the ones bestowed last month by a ranting Republican whose knickers were in a knot because I poked fun at the president?

"Have you been convicted of a felony in the last seven (7) years?"

Only by those who consider the fact that I am paid to do this a crime. (Did I mention my own boss gave me the application?)

"Specify hours available for each day of the week."

Depends on the week and at what time TV Land shows back-to-back episodes of "Bonanza."

"Are you able to work overtime?"

Only if I am able to attach time-and-a-half to it.

"Have you ever worked for Starbucks Coffee Company?"

No. But I have sent six of the corporate managers' kids to college, one $1.50 cup of coffee at a time.

"List the skills relevant to the position applied for."