Soldiers find different world than the one they left behind

Jace Radke

Monday, July 19, 2004 | 11:10 a.m.

When Sgt. Erick Kent left Las Vegas in March 2003 for a 14-month deployment, including 12 months in Iraq, he left behind his girlfriend of four years.

Since returning from his mission in Iraq with the Nevada Army National Guard's 777th Engineer Utilities Team in May, Kent has had to adjust to being single after losing his girlfriend while he was away.

"I feel the war and me being so far away cost me my relationship," Kent said. "People make a point to call home all the time when they are in Iraq, but for me that was the worst thing I could have done.

"I'd call home and put my stress, anger and emotions on my girlfriend. You have to realize that there are things going on in the lives of the people you leave at home, but it's hard when you're calling from Iraq and you want their full attention."

Kent, 25, is among the thousands of soldiers who have returned from serving in Iraq and Afghanistan who have found a changed home life waiting for them.

A bigger challenge than the war itself can be returning home to find family members in new roles, and trying to hit the restart button on your life, said Darryl Henderson, social worker at the Veterans' Outreach Center on West Sahara.

Henderson, a retired Army master sergeant who counsels hundreds of veterans, including those who have served in Operation Iraqi Freedom, said that many returning soldiers have to start over and realize that after months away they have changed and the people they left at home have changed.

"They want to know why their family member has changed and is not the same person they left, and the family member wants to know why the soldier has changed," Henderson said. "It's really about starting over and learning about each other again."

Soldiers returning home from an overseas deployment now attend mandatory debriefing sessions designed to prepare them for the adjustments that will have to be made as they return to civilian life. These sessions are provided at bases around the country including Fort Lewis, Wash., the deployment and return point for many of Nevada's soldiers.

More than 176,000 soldiers have gone through the sessions since May 2003 as part of the new Deployment Cycle Support program. Despite the counseling 10 soldiers who returned from duty in Iraq in 2003 and 2004 have committed suicide, according to U.S. Army officials.

Sue Robinson, director of the Family Support Center at Nellis Air Force Base, said that the debriefings along with briefings prior to armed forces personnel being deployed seems to have made a difference.

"We were really expecting to see a lot more problems, but we haven't seen an upsurge," Robinson said. "During the first Gulf War we saw many more people having problems, but this is a different Air Force and a different military.

"We're all a lot better at dealing with these things, and making sure people know what to expect before they ever leave home."

The transition of coming home is especially tough on National Guard and Reserve members, Robinson said.

"The active duty folks don't have quite the disruption, because they know deployment is part of what they signed on for, but I think it comes as more of a shock to the guard and reserve," Robinson said.

Sgt. George Smith, also a member of the 777th, said that some soldiers have faced challenges after returning from Iraq.

"For me, my wife and two daughters have been great, but there are little rocky parts along the way," said Smith, a 33-year-old, who works in security at the Venetian. "My daughters have grown and like to do different things than they did before I left. I'm getting to know them again."

Even small changes can be an adjustment, Smith said.

"My wife started doing the bills when I left, and she is still doing them now," Smith said. "There is no sense in taking it away from her now. She can have it."

Some of the most serious issues that Henderson sees in returning soldiers center around their relationship with their spouses.

"I'm usually the last stop before the divorce lawyer," Henderson said. "Many of these couples may have been married for less time than the soldier was deployed for. They've spent a year apart before spending a year together.

"I suggest that they go on dates, and learn about their relationship again."

Kent, who is a full-time member of the the Nevada Army Guard, said he had a lot of time to think about his relationship while in Iraq, and that he remains friends with his former girlfriend.

"I know people who have come back and they just fall into this cycle of unnecessary fighting with their wives," Kent said. "I lost my girlfriend, but I look at it like it's better I went than someone with a wife and kids who might have come back and got a divorce." Patience becomes a key element for family members and soldiers as they readjust to each other, Henderson said.

He said it's often difficult for soldiers to talk about their experiences.

"A soldier doesn't want to be viewed by his family as some kind of a monster," Henderson said.

And he said it's a difficult transition.

"Soldiers form a unique bond with those that they serve with, and unless someone has shared those experiences they can't really understand," said Henderson, who retired as an Army master sergeant before becoming a social worker. "Family members have to be patient and give the returning soldier space."

Kent, who lives alone, said he sometimes feels lonely in his house, after bunking with other soldiers for more than a year.

"In Iraq you kind of have a weird freedom, because you don't have to worry about things like bills or daily problems," said Kent, who is just now starting to dig into a pile of bills and mail that stacked up while he was away. "It kind of reminds me of high school where you get up and go do what you need to do at school, but then there is really nothing else you have to do."

Many returning soldiers will find themselves in situations that can trigger memories from their deployment, Henderson said.

Some of these echos can be harmless, such as a story a soldier told Henderson about a new driving habit he picked up in Iraq. The soldier would unknowingly slow down and crane his head out his window while looking at the ground in front of his tires.

"His wife was sitting in the passenger seat and when she asked him what he was doing he said he was looking for land mines," Henderson said. "He didn't realize he was doing it, it was just something he was used to doing."