Columnist Susan Snyder: We’re not divorced from serious issues

Friday, Feb. 20, 2004 | 4:38 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

WEEKEND EDITION

Feb. 21-22, 2004

Let 'em get married.

And when the marriage goes from gay to barely civil, let 'em get divorced.

Why should heterosexuals have all the fun? It is high time that all consenting adults have the rights, protections and privileges of marriage, including the 50 percent chance that it will end in a judge's chambers.

Or a prison cell, depending on the settlement.

Let them share Tax Time, The Incredible Shrinking Sex Life and the remote control.

And when it becomes apparent that a gasoline-soaked rag and a lighted match lead a less combustible relationship, let them partake of attorneys' fees, half the compulsive shopper's credit card bills and the "equitable" house sale that guts financial stability faster than a fisherman cleans a bass with a new filet knife.

Oh yes, share the joy with all who want to enter.

It's not a moral question, or at least it shouldn't be. Many marriage ceremonies are performed in churches. But the actual certification of marriage is issued by government. Last we checked, government business and church business are to be separate.

The civil institution of marriage was created to assure the property rights of men. In exchange for his surname, she gave up all that she owned.

This is not to say marriage as it has evolved today is a bad thing. Certainly it is dignified and joyful when two people commit to building something positive until death do they part.

The property rights, tax agreements, confidentiality rights, health insurance coverage and other business parts of the marriage arrangement could be drawn up in an attorney's office.

The ritual requiring rented clothes, a coronation's load of flowers, two mothers who hate the bride and groom's colors and a pretty little chapel where it will all be tied up, can be performed -- or not performed -- in any number of churches run by various religious organizations.

(Or, here in Las Vegas, by Elvis.)

Most religions already sanctify or reject gay marriages. So what's the big deal? Churches that don't want to marry certain people won't marry them.

But maybe more of them should try. Nothing says, "Run while you still have legs" like being asked to promise a fiance's childhood priest to raise all progeny in Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt Trip, in exchange for the privilege of walking down the aisle in the church of one's mother-in-law's choosing.

And where are the divorce lawyers in this debate? There's a whole untapped clientele out there destined to join the ranks of the 50 percent whose marriage proposals turn into he-said, she-said propositions.

Make that, he-said-he-said.

We overturned bans on interracial marriage. But one foot's still stuck in the trap of judging marriage by how it looks on the outside, rather than what it actually is on the inside.

Our government still offers pecuniary benefits to some, but not all, of its taxpayers based on moral and religious grounds.

Many observers would rather see Britney Spears publicly treat marriage as a Las Vegas amusement ride than see two women or two men quietly seal an existing yearslong relationship for the privilege of seeing each other in the hospital. Or the courtroom. Let 'em eat wedding cake -- or crow, as the case may be.