Columnist Susan Snyder: Scorned wife pens cheat sheet

Friday, Feb. 13, 2004 | 8:32 a.m.

Beware the Valentine bearing baloney with the bonbons.

If by chance you are the one playing lover's roulette, beware. An author scorned has created a website devoted solely to teaching women how to spot a cheatin' heart.

And she says Valentine's Day is peak hunting season when you're trying to bag a rat.

"If you have a nagging feeling that your husband may be having an affair, this is the ideal time to confirm what you suspect," Ruth Houston says on www.ishecheatingonyou.com. "The Valentine's Day gifts he gives or receives can provide you with tangible proof of his infidelity."

And his stupidity.

Houston's site recounts a tale from Laura, who found a sexy negligee -- several sizes too small for her -- gift-boxed and locked in the trunk of her husband's car. He insisted the sales clerk put the wrong size in the box.

Uh-huh. And the dog ate the receipt. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Honey Bunny.

And keep an eye on what Mr. Wrong receives on or around Valentine's Day.

"No woman other than yourself should be giving your husband six pairs of silk boxer shorts," Houston says.

Like five is better? ("Here you go, Sweetie. You should be able to wear one more pair around your throat if we tie them reeeeeal tight.")

Houston's entire complement of pointers is in her book, "Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs." Her research was sparked by the infidelity of her own husband -- that's ex-husband -- nine years ago.

She says women who suspect their spouses are louses should consider these questions:

1. Does he thrive on adventure?

2. Does he have a great deal of sexual experience prior to your relationship?

3. Does he have a lot of female friends?

4. Does he have male friends who are cheating?

5. Does he have a parent who cheated?

6. Did he cheat in any of his past relationships?

7. Does he feel that infidelity is really no big deal?

Beware "yes" answers. He could be a cheater, and Houston even knows which kind.

For example, a yes to questions No. 1 or 2 or 5 (not all three) means he's a "potential cheater," she says. An affirmative to No. 3 or 4 alone, together or in combination with No. 1 or 2, mark him as a "garden-variety cheater."

A yes to No. 6 alone or in combination with any question except No. 7 reveals an "experienced cheater," adept at covering his trail. And an affirmative to No. 7 could mean the guy is "hard-core."

Credit card statements, changes in appearance -- Houston's book sorts 829 telltale signs into 21 categories. This veritable scavenger hunt of infidelity is capable of ruining a whole year of holidays.

Of course, the time spent digging in his sock drawer also could be spent lounging in an expensive day spa partaking of Godivas and champagne, followed by a shopping spree and dinner at Le Cirque -- on his credit card.

The Rat and the Mistress will find no room at the inn if there's no room on the VISA.