Columnist Susan Snyder: Couples find help in quest

Friday, Dec. 17, 2004 | 3:47 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursday and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

WEEKEND EDITION

December 18 - 19, 2004

In a society that places high moral and political value on soccer moms and Little League dads, not being able to conceive a child is devastating.

Add to it the stress, frustration and expense of yearslong fertility treatments and couples end up facing issues of which they never dreamed.

"They're saying, 'We're looking at each other and wondering whether we should even stay married,' " said Deanna Chaplin, a Las Vegas family counselor and owner of the Inner Quest Therapeutic Center.

Chaplin and Fran McClain, another of the center's counselors, have just started support groups for couples undergoing fertility treatments -- a first for Las Vegas, the women said.

"When you walk in, you all have something in common," Chaplin said. "It helps normalize and naturalize the process. We talk about how it is artificial and how it has nothing to do with them" as couples.

Fertility treatments are slow and often don't begin until six months to a year after the issue is raised and the couple's health can be tested. Once treatments start, the dynamics of a marriage change drastically.

Hormone treatments mean two to three injections each day for several weeks. They cause changes in how a woman feels physically and emotionally. She loses her desire for sex at a time when everything revolves around it.

A couple's most intimate act of sharing becomes the most regulated and scheduled part of their lives. The success of its outcome -- a baby -- becomes the focal point.

"The process turns men off, too," Chaplin said. "They say, 'I feel like a baby machine now.' Sex is not about 'them' anymore. They've gone into an artificial life. And they're looking at each other and wondering, 'Is it you or is it me?' "

"And it can go back and forth," McClain added. "It becomes, 'Whose problem is it?' "

The problem is owned by both, and it's not necessarily the one they think they're dealing with.

Most couples undergoing fertility treatment assume the biggest problem is not being able to conceive. But after treatments start, their biggest hurdle is learning new ways to cope and support each other in a temporary situation that can last several years and cost tens of thousands of dollars.

"These are great couples," Chaplin said. "He says, 'I don't know how to support her anymore. She's taking these (hormone) shots, and she's different.' The woman is saying, 'I feel overwhelmed, and I don't know what to ask for.' Old support methods don't work."

Prying questions and well-meaning advice -- "Don't worry about it," or "Just relax"-- from family and friends adds to the stress, the counselors said. Most couples avoid social interaction to avoid the comments.

" 'How come you don't have a child?' " Chaplin said, repeating an often-asked question. "Society thinks it should all be a certain way and puts blame on a wonderful, beautiful woman. You're cursed somehow if you don't have children."

Inner Quest will start with three groups: one is for couples embarking on treatment; a second for those having in-vitro fertilization, and a third for couples who have gone through numerous unsuccessful in-vitro treatments.

Call 796-8607 or log onto www.innerquestsite.com for information.