Columnist Susan Snyder: The PEWKS make us feel a bit queasy

Friday, Dec. 3, 2004 | 4:25 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursday and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

WEEKEND EDITION

December 4 - 5, 2004

Nothing puts a damper on the holidays like the People Who Know Safety.

Starting around Thanksgiving, the People Who Know Safety (PEWKS) bombard us with information about the numerous dangers lurking in our holiday traditions. The PEWKS motto: "Enjoy the holidays, but (insert mayhem and death here)."

PEWKS know which toys are most likely to physically maim your child. PEWKS know which computer games will turn him into something scary, like the next Libertarian Party presidential candidate.

PEWKS say don't drink too much wine. Don't eat the office cookies. Don't use credit cards.

And for pity's sake, watch out for the Christmas lights! Danger lies beneath the twinkling red and green.

Here, the PEWKS may have a point. For example, the woman who edged her cart toward Target's last animated jumping reindeer figurine Tuesday afternoon could have lost an arm.

Luckily, she moved out of my way.

See, we needed it for our front yard because we live next door to people who put up lights, flags and figures for everything except Bastille Day.

We used to hang a simple string of lights or two across the eaves. But after the new neighbors moved in, our display made us look like PEWKS who were afraid of burning down the house or falling off a ladder. So a few days after Thanksgiving we headed to the store for more lights.

Now, the PEWKS will send out 15 press releases telling us it's unsafe to drink and drive -- as if we didn't figure that out last Thanksgiving when Uncle Ted backed over the neighbors' cat (while it was sitting on their front porch).

But the PEWKS won't waste a sentence warning us about the hazards of shopping for Christmas lights after Dec. 1. And it is one of the most dangerous holiday activities known to 21st century humans.

You take a person who has eaten nothing but leftover turkey for four days and send him into the attic or out to the garage to dig out 13 boxes of decorations labeled "Xmas." Every last one of them.

After finding the lights in the very last box he discovers that a third of the strings don't work, and the ones that do are all blue.

This person is sweaty, dirty and facing a five-hour ordeal involving a ladder and language not fit for a foundry worker's ears. But first, he must go to the store and "buy some more red ones," because that is what the little voice coming from the kitchen says to do.

He wanders aisles that are big enough for carts or for people, but not both at the same time. He squeezes past three women arguing over the last package of tube socks. He finally spots the shelves of Christmas lights.

The only color left is orange.

Witnesses will later recall that, "Most of our lights are sold out before Thanksgiving," were the last intelligible words they heard the seasonal salesperson utter.

The PEWKS will remind us to water live trees daily so they don't catch fire; unplug holiday lights when we're asleep or not at home; throw away lights with frayed wires and avoid overloading power plugs and circuits.

Jeepers, we're not stupid. We're simply slow.