Columnist Susan Snyder: French derision fries us

Friday, March 28, 2003 | 8:40 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

Go ahead and have fries with that.

French fries came from Belgium. I learned this last year from Gunther Vercammen, who stayed at our house with his wife, Diane, as they traveled from Canada to Argentina.

Gunther is passionate about fries.

"Oh, don't get him started," Diane said one night over dinner.

Belgians introduced fries in Belgium, and the French's fries are sorry imposters, Gunther said.

This is a huge relief, as fries are the best vegetable invented since ketchup. And since they are Belgian, they shouldn't be part of our protest against France for refusing to suck up the dust in Iraq with our troops.

That's not all bad, of course. So far the French have made a lot of noise and torched a replica of the Statue of Liberty. This is the country that not only gave us the original Statue of Liberty, but also gave us poodles.

Belgium also is among the countries against the war. But Belgians aren't burning our stuff. Thankfully, we only have to hate the French (and Iraqis and North Koreans, and ...).

Didn't you get the e-mail? It's been passed around like a bad cold for almost a month. It's a list of goods supposedly manufactured in or by companies in France.

Now, I'll drive my pseudo American-made car into what's left of Lake Mead before I'll give up French wine. And you'll have to pry The Other's Glenlivet from his cold, dead fingers.

Still, if your Happy Meal comes with "freedom fries," there are other items you must give up to avoid being labeled a closet French-supporter, which is not to be confused with lingerie (a French term meaning "underwear that creeps.")

Stop reading Parents, Car & Driver, Elle, PlayStation, Women's Day and George magazines. Cancel the trip to Universal Studios, and don't rent or buy any Universal movies or music. The empire is owned by Vivendi-Universal.

Store the Krupps coffee maker. Flush the French roast coffee, French vanilla ice cream, Roequefort cheese and Dannon and Yoplait yogurts. But make sure the toilet wasn't manufactured in one of Kohler's European factories, headquartered in Paris.

Pour the Moet champagne, Wild Turkey bourbon, Jameson Whiskey, Chevas Regal scotch and Evian water down the drain.

Hang up the Salomon skis, Peugeot bicycle and Michelin tires (for bikes and cars). Pack up the Mikasa and Durand crystal. Toss those Bic pens and razors. Go gray and bare-faced rather than use products by L'Oreal, Maybelline or Lancome.

Chanel stinks. And go naked before wearing anything by Mephisto, Christian Dior and DKNY.

Jeepers! Those sneaky French certainly have have invaded our homeland consumer culture. It's scary.

Scary, because with global corporations the only people such narrow-minded boycotts will hurt are Americans selling these products to us.

Scary, because we make so little stuff over here. No wonder nobody can find a job.

Diane, our Belgian visitor, said all Belgians are entitled to a three-year leave of absence from their jobs with continued health insurance coverage to take extended vacations or take care of family matters. She works for an American sail company.

In Belgium.

Want fries with that?