Columnist Susan Snyder: Ideal town isn’t a bad idea

Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2003 | 8:19 a.m.

The elves in cyberspace say I'm living in the wrong town.

Plenty of readers probably do too, but we don't like those people.

The elves operate a website called findyourspot.com. I learned of it through one of those pre-retirement newsletters designed to remind you that the clock is ticking, great lives and cities await, and you haven't saved enough money to buy a Winnebago made by Tonka. In fact, you will be lucky if you are not sitting at your desk when you keel over.

But dreamers can log on and find their perfect hometown based on how they answer questions about their personal, political, lifestyle and economic preferences.

Do you like snow? Hate humidity? Love heat? Need to feel the ocean between your toes? Check the boxes that apply and move on to the next page.

After eight screens of stuff you have to answer and a couple of screens of marketing dreck you'd do well to avoid, the thing calculates the answers and gives a list of two dozen suggested towns.

For grins, I checked a couple of Las Vegas opposites, such as preferences for small-town living and snow.

Careful what you wish for.

The largest city returned was Burlington, Vt., with 40,000 residents. The smallest was LaPointe, Wisc., with 180 dwellers. That's not even a subdivision. And everybody would know the gate code.

Fourteen of my suggested towns lay east of the Mississippi River, eight of them in New England. Four of those are in Vermont.

Vermont? What's in Vermont? Happy cows live in California.

There are four towns in Wisconsin and four in Massachusetts including Shelburne, "home of the World-Famous Bridge of Flowers." The survey also suggested two spots in West Virginia -- Morgantown and Elkins, where the "locally grown herb ramp is celebrated at the international Ramp Cookoff and Festival."

"Herb ramp?" Don't call. I don't need to know.

Of the 10 towns west of the Mississippi, two are in Northern California (where herbs not only have ramps but voting status), two others are in Oregon and four sit in New Mexico.

Though interesting, the survey certainly wasn't infallible. The Other took the test and discovered we were never to live in the same town again. Not a single city matched.

I've hidden his luggage.

The odd thing is, he hates humidity and likes snow. Yet, most of his suggested spots were in the hot, soppy Southeast. It turns out you can't ignore the question about where you don't want to live.

The test also doesn't address other items of importance, such as how far away from one's mother one needs to live to keep one's mother-daughter relationship harmonious.

The other two western towns Find Your Spot found for me were in Nevada: Gardnerville-Minden and Elko, home of the Jarbidge Rebellion and the Shovel Brigade. Can't move there. I don't own any giant garden implements to display on the lawn.

And the final roundup did list Las Vegas -- New Mexico. "Population, 20,000. Originally called, 'Our Lady of the Sorrows of the Great Meadows.' "

Gee, makes me want to run right in and pack the kitchen.

Sorry. Find your own spot. This one's mine.