Columnist Susan Snyder: Making sure kids are dialed in

Friday, Feb. 28, 2003 | 5:11 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

Dear Teenagers,

Assembly Bill 138 is not your friend.

Oh sure, it looks like your friend. But so do Whoppers. And we all know what happens when we get too much of a bad thing disguised as a good thing.

Lifting the ban on cell phones at your school is a bad thing.

Ignore all that "safety" blather your parents would have you believe. This is not about safety. That's merely our cover.

Adults only talk about "safety" in using cell phones when adults' use of them is limited. We only want cell phones to keep track of the office, keep track of the dinner reservations, keep track of the gossip.

And keep track of you.

If you were a grown-up, you'd be in on this. It is discussed in one of the rule books you'll receive when you're 21.

"The Grown-ups Guide to Super Secret Stuff That Makes Teenagers Miserable" highly recommends lifting school bans on cell phones. It is discussed on Page 37, right after the section about embarrassing a teen by purchasing Preparation H at the Albertson's where the bagger is that cute guy from third period.

"Run -- don't walk -- to your local representatives and urge them to overturn any laws that limit your abilities to tether your teen," the guide says. "School cell phone bans must be stopped. Present it as a 'safety' issue. Emphasize that your ability to call your kid during a pop quiz protects society from biological warfare, hurricanes and general pestilence."

An update to the guide, released in February, recommends mentioning "high terrorist alert" in legislative testimony as often as possible.

This also has nothing to do with getting a ride home. If we wanted you to have a safe, convenient ride home you wouldn't have to live at least three miles from your school to catch a school bus. We threaten you with having to ride a bike or walk if you can't call us on a cell phone because we know you don't want to ride a bike or walk. This makes you our pawns.

In reality, we need to know we can call you at a moment's notice and remind you to leave the mall and go back to economics class.

We think text messaging is bad, and you should too. But it is not about someone cheating on a history test.

It is about you and three buddies crowded around your cell phone waiting to see that varsity cheerleader's answer to your message and instead receiving: "Hi Pumpkin. Grandma's bladder infection flared up. Taking her to doc. Won't be home after school. Kiss. Kiss. Mom."

Look, five days a week you have no parental interference for seven glorious hours. OK, it's school, and plenty of adults are around to inject tedium and banality.

But your friends are there. Mom and Dad are not, and that makes them crazy.

Cell phones are the adult leash. They allow the boss to call us on our days off or find us at the mall in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon, forcing us to use the "sick voice" while standing in Macys' shoe department.

What's the "sick voice?" It's similar to a "stomachache" during midterms.

It's explained in a different book, right after the part about how to convince the boss you didn't answer his calls because you evidently "weren't getting a signal."