Columnist Susan Snyder: Education: Batteries not included

Tuesday, Feb. 18, 2003 | 8:13 a.m.

They're making touch-screen computer toys for 6-month-old babies.

According to reports from the 100th American International Toy Fair, one company is introducing a touch-screen toy that features programs for tots 6 months to 3 years old.

Remember when we were content to let them play with their feet?

Not anymore. Figures from news wire reports say educational toys for babies and toddlers is the industry's fastest-growing category, worth about $3 billion last year.

Toys are definitely more educational in nature, said a spokeswoman for the annual show conducted in New York City.

Shoot, toys have always been educational in nature. Just because more of them need batteries doesn't make them more educational.

My brother and I had a set of blocks that were pretty educational -- especially after that little event where he winged one at my head. No doubt, I deserved it. Webster's printed my photo next to "tattletale" until I turned 18. (No, I won't tell in what year.)

But we learned that, (a) Mothers generally do not approve of such behavior, and it can lead to other undesirable events, and (b) Little Sister has a hard head.

We also learned a fair amount about science with a kite and plastic army men.

For example, we learned that the higher and more isolated the tree, the more likely it is that your kite will become stuck in it.

And plastic army men emit a strange smell that is "toxic" (whatever that meant) when burned at the stake in the sandbox. Again, mothers generally do not approve of such behavior. It had something to do with matches.

The importance of money and property was never more evident than when my brother and I gathered with friends to play Monopoly. It started with strip searches in which adults confiscated the extra money ordered from Parker Brothers and taped to the ankles of those intending to play.

Ricky Patton, who lived next door, and I also learned plenty from our primitive toys. Gravity, for example, is best studied on a seesaw. There was a direct correlation between the length of each study and whether Mother was standing at the kitchen window.

We also learned that if one is going to throw rotten apples at passing cars, it is important that the forward trajectory strikes the rear of the automobile, rather than the front, so one has enough time to scamper back into Mr. Hatley's orchard before the motorist turns around.

Otherwise, one runs the risk of being spotted. The driver then tells Dad, who has no appreciation for the value of such science.

The laws of physics taught us one can ride a bike no-handed or with no feet on the pedals, but one cannot do both at the same time. And Ricky did a solo study regarding the chances of surviving a ride down the Soap Box Derby hill on a skateboard.

Eeesh. That was a messy one.

Perhaps the most significant discovery from our educational toys was that the average American mother's eyebrows can indeed turn gray by the time her youngest starts college.

I figure what today's parents will save on bandages and emergency-room visits, they will make up for in batteries.

They may turn gray a hair later, however.