Friday, Feb. 14, 2003 | 3:18 a.m.
On Valentine's eve, Reuben stood at the counter of Hahn's World of Surplus choosing his-and-hers gas masks.
Reuben, who declined to give his last name, listened intently as salesman Henry Flores described differences between the American M-17 mask and the Israeli adult models.
Forget buying American. We're talking survival, here. And unlike the American M-17, Flores said, the Israeli mask's filter changes easily from the outside, and it has a port through which a person can drink water without removing the mask. Retail, $79.95 ($49.95 for the youth model).
Hahn's was sold out of the drinking tubes and canteens, however. And Flores held in his hand the last one of the Israeli masks in stock. The store had sold more than 200 in less than a week, Flores said.
Those who hesitated to take seriously the federal government's orange alert had to choose among the M-17 (with a hood), the $249 American model still issued to some of our troops or the mask used by Canadian military forces.
Canadian military? If Huffy made an airplane would you fly in it?
Reuben and his wife have been stockpiling water, food and gasoline for about three months. They'd put off buying the gas masks, for too long apparently. He hoped another surplus store would have two of the Israeli models. The need was approaching, he feared.
"My wife works with a woman whose grandfather is a general back in Washington, D.C. He called his granddaughter (Thursday) to tell her that the alert is really red, but they're not announcing it because they don't want to create a panic," Reuben said.
Panic? Nah. Hahn's regularly sells out of gas masks in three days.
Now, I too, know someone with a pretty extensive military background. And Col. Smartypants offered 10 reasons, other than sarin, to own a gas mask:
1) It hides the faces of ugly people.
2) You can wear it backward and confuse the enemy.
3) Insert a Glade freshener in the filter, and you're always walking in a pine forest.
4) It doesn't protect the head but protects the face in a bicycle crash -- useful for stupid, yet beautiful, people.
5) You can pretend you have a snout.
6) Facial weight reduction without plastic surgery's mess or cost.
7) People accused of having tunnel vision can actually have it.
8) It bolsters the Israeli economy. (If they're so good, why sell them to us?)
9) Bank robbers have a healthy alternative to nylon stockings.
10) It's the cool thing to own this week.
It's comforting to feel ready. But it seems odd freaking out over a vague government warning that offers few, if any, concrete sources.
Daily, we ignore solid government warnings regarding smoking, seat belts, eating too much, exercising too little. Child safety seats and bike helmets aren't selling out. And we are far more likely to die of lung cancer, car crashes, heart attacks and head injuries than a terrorist attack.
Reuben and his wife were getting gas masks because, "You never know."
Nope, not with terrorists. We never have. We never will.
But we know $49.95 buys your kid a darned good bicycle helmet.
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