Columnist Susan Snyder: Santa has his work cut out for him

Tuesday, Dec. 23, 2003 | 8:20 a.m.

Dear Santa Claus,

We can explain.

But maybe not everything.

For example, we can't explain how a mediocre actor landed in the California governor's mansion -- as governor, of all things.

Nor can we guess when that state's new first lady last kept down a meal. We do know if she loses any more weight her kneecaps will poke holes in her pantyhose when she sits down. Leave her a candy cane or something.

We can tell you that we are glad to live in Southern Nevada.

At least, we're glad unless Clark County officials stick with water conservation rules that will prohibit us from washing our cars starting Jan. 1.

Now Nick, we realize we are in the fourth year of a drought that has drastically diminished the Colorado River. Yes, the river provides 90 percent of our drinking water, blah, blah, blah.

But honestly, are we truly supposed to drive dirty cars? How would that look?

The next thing you know they will be telling us that if we don't conserve water we won't have any for washing dishes and drinking. We hope some of these killjoys are on the naughty list.

They're so negative.

Speaking of the naughty list, how does that interact with our "what happens here stays here" policy?

Let's say a married guy from Toledo is attending a linoleum convention, and you spot him trotting through Bellagio's conservatory sporting antlers and sharing his fifth yard-o-beer with a hired escort.

Which part of that stays here, which part goes home to the wife, and which part ends up on your naughty list? Is it worse if he rides to The Venetian in a pedicab? You can get back to us next year on that.

We also realize you may have received reports from a few whiners about a perceived speeding problem among our drivers. We figure we just think faster than most people, so we drive faster.

Still, we think you can find your own explanation by choosing from the following who is more worthy of coal in the old stocking:

1. Some boring goody-two-shoes who drives the speed limit on the Las Vegas Beltway and hinders the passage of those who have important things to do;

2. Someone doing important things on his cell phone whose lane-stuffing SUV "runs better" if he's riding someone's bumper at 85 mph.

Everyone knows speed limits are merely suggestions. We suggest they set all of them at 70 because it's what we're going to drive on roads like Desert Inn anyway.

Well, that about wraps it up from our end, Kris.

Oh, before we forget, you might want to leave early this year -- maybe even tonight.

We're on Orange Alert here in the good old U.S. of A., where we have all the liberty and freedom the government allows us to have.

Transportation Security Administration workers will need to search your bags upon arrival.

All of them.

So bring an extra cookie or two. You also might want to leave with the elves anything that looks like it might blow up.

And for heaven's sake, don't wrap anything.

Regards,

Us.