Holiday gift list includes pink slip, wasabi

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 | 10:27 a.m.

All-time series -- Tennessee leads, 3-0.

Last time -- The Titans won, 38-17, in Nashville on Oct. 12.

Notable -- Two of the league's five worst passing defenses gather at Reliant Stadium, where the Super Bowl will be staged in about six weeks. Because of that defensive shortcoming, neither squad can expect to participate in the grand game on Feb. 1. ... At least the Texans might have some solid contacts for tickets, though. ... Houston not only gets QB David Carr (shoulder) back this week, but Carr gets to see that porous Tennessee secondary. ... The Texans have compiled only 96 total passing yards -- and three points -- in their past two games behind backup Dave Ragone. ... For the Titans, Steve McNair (ankle) might be back after having a string of 45 consecutive starts snapped. If he doesn't start or is ineffective, rookie Jason Gesser is on deck. Or, Tennessee might turn to veteran Neil O'Donnell, who was signed Thursday. A lacerated spleen ended

With the holiday season upon us, we're in a giving mood to help out certain NFLers with some valuable props, gifts or advice.

Take it or leave it, kids. But if you feel compelled to send a check, ensure that it gets here before Jan. 1.

Tiki Barber, Giants running back -- Velcro gloves, a can of tar and a Nerf football.

Maurice Clarett, amateur -- Two months of high-level workouts and conditioning, in preparation for the April draft. His sharp team of lawyers found a simple loophole in the NFL rules that, to us, looks like an entry way into the next draft.

Dante Hall, Chiefs wide receiver/return ace -- Two sets of Gucci 1691 designer shades, one for the peepers in front of his noggin and one for the set in back of his head.

Priest Holmes, Chiefs running back -- Sainthood, if he keeps scoring touchdowns like he has the past two seasons. He's at 46, and counting.

Mike Holmgren, Seahawks coach -- Free resume work at Kinko's until Dec. 30.

Chris Hanson, Jaguars punter -- A rubber axe. The real one he grabbed in October in the locker room ended up in his right, non-kicking leg, opening a gash that required surgery to mend. From now on, only plastic forks, too, Chris.

Joe Horn, Saints receiver -- Terrell Owens' cell number for his speed dial. And the NFL in New York. And Metro Pizza in Vegas. (He only likes the best.)

Chad Johnson, Bengals receiver -- A pink slip, so he can join cousin Keyshawn in the seats. If CJ and others like to entertain above and beyond the structure of the game, they can join the circus.

Shane Lechler, Raiders punter -- A cast for his right leg. He has booted it 82 times, second-most in the league, for an NFL-best 46.6-yard average.

Tommy Maddox, Steelers quarterback -- A tryout with the Gladiators next month.

Randy Moss, Vikings receiver -- The Mind of the Clutch Player and Don't Alligator-Arm that Pass!, two rare, special-edition DVDs that every elite receiver must own.

New York football fans -- A copy of U2's "The Joshua Tree," the famous group's first No. 1 album which earned it a Grammy in 1987. That just happens to be the last year all three Empire State NFL teams finished with losing records.

Buffalo, the Jets and the Giants can each pull off that ignominious feat this year.

Samari Rolle, Titans cornerback -- A little mound of wasabi, a small bowl of soy sauce and a big Ichiban chaser for the cat whose 141 interception return yards, on four picks, is fourth in the league.

Jeremy Shockey, Giants tight end -- A pass to the New Year's Eve festivities at Rain in the Desert. Oh, he's already got one? Kid, can yak get us in?

Kurt Warner, Rams quarterback -- (See above, Maddox.)

He invited a wheelchair-bound U.S. Marine, who had served in Iraq and only wanted to be identified as "Jason," and his family into the Packers' camp in San Diego on Saturday. Jason & Co. spent time with Sherman, quarterback Brett Favre and others.

After the Packers beat the Chargers, 38-21, in Sunday, Sherman called Jason into Green Bay's locker room.

Then Sherman gave the soldier the game ball.

"It was a really special moment," Sherman told the Green Bay Press Gazette. "Our players really appreciated him being there and what he stood for."

The Packers, by the way, play a second consecutive game on the West Coast this week (in Oakland on Monday) for the first time in 40 years.

Clarissa Garvey took great umbrage with linebacker Ted Johnson, who said any of the season-ticket holders who did not show snoozed. Garvey said the vast majority of the 23,000 "no-shows" were likely near the stadium grounds.

For hours.

They were ultimately turned away, because of insufficient personnel to clear parking lots or monitor the situation. Inside the stadium, that was also the case. Many patrons had to hand-shovel feet of snow away from their seats.

Garvey and her husband, David, live in Chatham, N.Y., not far from the New York state capital of Albany and about a two-hour haul -- in decent weather -- from Boston on Interstate 90. They own club seats.

Garvey said no apology has been forthcoming from ownership, but she did say that there has been an attempt to devise some sort of refund system. Computer data on each ticket tells management who did or did not attend the festive victory over Miami.

"You were the only one who acknowledged that there were big problems facing the fans in getting to the game," Garvey wrote. "Up to that point, the ownership had not acknowledged or taken any responsibility for the difficulties ... I get the feeling that most aggrieved fans would just be happy with an apology from the ownership.

"MANY, MANY fans were told to go home after suffering through three or four-plus-hour traffic jams. Instead, unfortunately, the ownership chose to call these fans 'no shows.' Very frustrating!"

That's why we're here, Clarissa. To stand by fans like you, who relish following a team that isn't built around superstars or flashy players.

"It is made up of dedicated professionals with a team spirit and cohesiveness that can't be matched," Garvey wrote.

Nor, apparently, can its fans.

Division hits

NFC: West -- Kevin Barlow might be the 49ers' running back, if he can hang onto the ball. His two lost fumbles inside the Cincy 20 cost his team dearly last weekend. South -- Carolina QB Jake Delhomme, 28, has now fashioned seven game-winning drives in his first season as a starter. North -- What credentials did Matt Millen have to be the Lions' team president, anyway? East -- The price of success ... payment for playoff tickets, in full, is due today at the Eagles' offices.

AFC: West -- During two days of preseason practice drills at Wisconsin-River Falls, Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil said Rushen Jones of the Vikings should be shot in the head for a hit he put on a KC receiver. The teams play Sunday in Minnesota. South -- Houston RB Domanick Davis is 119 yards from becoming the franchise's first 1,000-yard rusher. North -- At 5-9, the Steelers are sliding toward their worst season in 34 years. East -- Jets QB Vinny Testaverde, signed through 2005, said he will quit next season if he isn't the team's primary backup to Chad Pennington.