A Wide ‘Net: For the person who has everything, dive into eBay

Kirk Baird

Monday, Dec. 1, 2003 | 8:44 a.m.

Ebay has changed the way the world shops online.

That's especially true during the Christmas holiday season.

According to Nielsen Internet ratings, eBay, whose founder, Pierre M. Omidyar, lives in Henderson, has been the No. 1 online shopping destination the past three years, based on the number of unique users.

While eBay won't divulge its specific sales numbers, the online auction house does acknowledge its increasing popularity during the holidays.

During the fourth quarter eBay estimates a total value of $3.7 billion in goods will be sold on its U.S. website alone most of that coming in December.

"For the last few years it's become a very important period for us," company spokesman Hani Durzy said. "We do feel people do rely on eBay a great deal for holiday purchases."

Chances are if you're looking for gifts for that hard-to-please friend or father-in-law who has everything, you'll find it on eBay.

Some examples (listed in order of quirkiness; because bidding on many of these items might have expired by publication date, consider this a list of suggestions):

15. Wal-Mart Christmas pins. As if the uber retail chain needs more publicity especially during the holidays now you can wear Wal-Mart pride while still being in the holiday spirit. The pin features a Christmas tree with colorful presents underneath. Above the tree is a beautiful wintry night sky with "Wal-Mart" emblazoned at the top. "Seasons Greetings," by comparison, is much less prominently written below. The pin is that perfect combination of crass commercialism and seasonal warmth sure to make a Wal-Mart frequenter smile.

14. 1924 Christmas holiday catalog. This seasonal catalog includes toys, clothing, sporting goods, jewelry, glassware, purses, shoes, arts and crafts and more. According to the seller, the catalog was produced by Maxfield Parrish, a St. Paul, Minn.-based, mail-order business. "This ... catalog is an attractive piece of Art Deco and should appeal to collectors of vintage toy catalogs, Santa or Christmas enthusiasts." Better still, it's a novel way for parents to remind their children of just how lucky they have it.

13. Mounted piranha. "Captured in Peru, these fierce devils have been mounted beautifully for display," writes the seller. While perhaps a bit creepy, a mounted piranha is more distinctive than a necktie.

12. Rupert Rules. As the seller states: "Most will agree that Rupert was the best Survivor there has been." No argument here. Unfortunately, the "Survivor" contestant was recently voted off the island in a bloodless coup, rendering him ineligible to win the $1 million prize. The seller's idea? Raise $1 million for Rupert instead. While you can freely give for yourself, donations, of course, can be given in someone else's name. Consider it the real-life version of "The Human Fund," George Costanza's faux answer to giving gifts to co-workers. And speaking of Costanza ...

11. Festivus T-shirt. These heavyweight, long-sleeve T-shirts come in all sizes. A great gift for either a true "Seinfeld" aficionado or anyone looking for a holiday alternative to Christmas.

10. Michael Jackson dartboard. The seller had nothing to say about this unique game board. On the advice of our attorneys, we won't either.

9. A replica "Leg Lamp" from "A Christmas Story." While the leg lamp was the source of family squabbling in the film, the unique lighting displays are apparently quite popular among eBayers, with several replicas listed. With the competition fierce, one seller even resorted to bad-mouthing the online rivals. "This is not a 'toy store-quality' lamp with a black plastic base and cheap lampshade like the others you've seen on eBay."

8. A Linda Blair-signed baseball. Whether someone truly appreciates having a baseball signed by the "Exorcist" and "Chained Heat" star remains to be seen. But you will.

7. Archie Bunker's hat. The seller writes that this hat is one of only two remaining fedoras worn by America's favorite bigot (Carroll O'Connor) on the classic sitcom "All in the Family." The other hat is in the Smithsonian Institution, alongside Archie and Edith's original chairs. While the hat shows some signs of age, including some color fading in the ribbon and wear around the bow, it's still listed as being in good condition. It must be. The first bid began at $4,995.95.

6. Rubber straightjacket. The Deluxe Rubber Straightjacket is hand-tailored with 30-gauge latex. The seller states the jacket features a "3-inch adjustable collar and has a 1.5-inch strap, which buckles at the back of the neck very attractively. Two narrower adjustable straps go between the subject's legs and buckle separately, just above each buttock; they are attached with four rivets each and reinforced with canvas." It also includes a zip-guard strip to prevent hair or skin from getting caught. What better way to say "Merry Christmas" to the mentally unstable or fetish fanatic?

5. Authentic Apollo fecal matter bag. The Apollo space program featured the first humans in space along with the first moon landing. On the missions, writes the seller, "fecal matter was sealed in a fecal bag with a liquid germicide and sealed again in an outer bag. This solid waste was then placed into a sanitation box built into the spacecraft. This is an unused bag in (its) original wrapper." This item would take "re-gifting" to another level.

4. Oak ferret coffin. The coffin is handmade from oak and sports a polyurethane finish for a natural look. At only 6 inches tall, and measuring 2 inches wide by 12 inches in length, the ferret coffin is also perfect for the remains of other similarly sized pets, such as birds, rabbits, squirrels and hamsters. Stephen King would be proud.

3. An oil painting of a monkey princess with a fruit hat. The seller states the item is a "genuine hand-painted oil on canvas" that measures 20 inches tall and is 2 feet wide. "Similar paintings sell for over $149.00 in art galleries." This explains why so many artists are starving.

2. Funeral director cufflinks. The seller labels these matching cufflinks of an antique hearse as being "truly unique. I doubt you will see anyone with a pair of this set of links." That's probably a good thing. Still, if you can find a matching tie, you'll have a wonderfully morbid gift to chill even the most festive occasion.

1. Prosthetic breasts from the 1950s. Forget the pain and post-operation recovery of breast implants. With these "Party Falsies" you can have the attention you crave quicker, easier and cheaper. The box states the falsies will "make every gal better and bigger than Marilyn, Jane or Lola. Guaranteed to be the hit of any party." The breasts are made of rubber and are secured by tying a red ribbon around the back. They will also fit into a bra. As Charles Nelson Reilly said on "Match Game": "I said boobs, Gene."