Columnist Susan Snyder: Statue joke is heading for trouble

Tuesday, April 15, 2003 | 9:27 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

A front-page photo last week showed Iraqi citizens defacing a mural of Saddam Hussein with a roll of packing tape.

Well, what else were they going to do? Draw a moustache?

Judging by our In-Bed News Reports, Iraqi residents swarmed the streets singing "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead" in Arabic. Statues of Hussein were dropping faster than the Dixie Chicks' chart ratings.

And right here is where I was going to make a joke that one of the toppled Hussein statues should be placed next to the headless Lenin statue in Mandalay Bay's Red Square for a new spot called the Half in the Baghdad Bar.

Actually, I was going to steal the joke from Sun sports columnist Ron Kantowski. But Sun gossip columnist Tim McDarrah stole it first and printed it in his Friday column.

Unfortunately, the only thing slower than my wit is my ability to change my column lineup.

McDarrah, I think, needs a moustache. Excuse me while I grab a marker ...

Today's the day. File your federal tax return yet?

I'm already out spending my refund.

Neener.

Internal Revenue Service figures showed that by the end of April's first week, the agency had sent out 65,783,000 refund checks and made 36,191,000 direct refund deposits, shelling out a total of $217.5 billion.

The average refund was $2,367.

Among other interesting tidbits on the IRS website is a document titled, "Common Errors to Avoid." This, of course, is something you want to open only after you've filed your return -- juuuuuuust in case They are wondering about you wondering about yourself, and They decide you might just need that audit after all.

The most common error to avoid is not filing. That's a felony or a major demerit or something.

You cannot deduct the doghouse as a primary residence, even if your spouse makes you sleep there most of the time. Ditto for car payments or the new sofa.

Don't use someone else's Social Security number. The cat is not a legal dependent -- only an annoying one.

If you owe money, don't forget to include the check. (Evidently, people must be reminded of this.)

Or simply file for an extension today and prolong the agony until August.

The code used in newspaper columns for the little doohickies between items is called a "French bracket." I hope the Regional Transportation Commission's Older Americans with Disabilities Advisory Committee doesn't make us boycott those too, or these missives will be harder to unravel than a bus schedule.

If you have money coming from the IRS, you might want to invest it in the moon.

According to one of the numerous pieces of valuable mass e-mail I received last week, someone is selling the moon for $29.99 an acre.

You get a deed, mineral rights and a map that shows the location by latitude and longitude.

No water rights. No electricity.

The message claims more than 2,000,000 people have bought a chunk. That's $59,980,000,000.

Dang. Beaten again.