Columnist Susan Snyder: Throwing out a few screwballs

Friday, April 4, 2003 | 8:44 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

People are screwy.

For example, right now someone is calling my voice mail or logging onto the computer and sending an e-mail that says something like, "You shouldn't put words like 'screwy' in the newspaper because it sounds dirty, and you need to set an example for the whole planet because people read newspapers, and ..."

Please. I set an example of what not to do for a living.

Get an education. Get a real job.

And get a life, or you'll one day find yourself leaving voice-mail messages such as one I received from a retired registered nurse. She was miffed by my recent statement that driving to Laughlin was worse than "being poked in the eye with a sharp stick."

"There is enough violence in the world," she said, adding that the image offended her.

This, from a woman who once inserted suppositories for a living?

Does a sense of humor smell funny when it dies?

As for fries originating in Belgium, which we discussed here a week ago, that was not a joke. However, the e-mail list of French stuff we're supposed to boycott that also was mentioned was so long and ridiculous that, well, I figured it spoke for itself.

I, too, remain a firm believer that scotch comes from Scotland, Kentucky bourbon comes from Kentucky and idiots abound on the Internet. (Type in my name. Should be proof enough.)

This is why we should think for ourselves before boycotting items on a mass-mailed list of questionable origin, or sending money to groups such as one now taking "donations" and circulating a petition calling for prosecution of President George W. Bush as a war criminal.

Have we no day jobs? Laundry? Hobbies?

Frankly, there's one kid wearing a U.S. Army uniform who is closer to Baghdad than Las Vegas is to Pahrump. His family and I want him to come home alive with all his body parts intact and functional. Discussion of right or wrong is irrelevant. Pass the wine. French wine.

Sit down. I'm not done.

Let's discuss screwy customer service. Specifically, the United Parcel Service.

I called the 800 number this week to have a package picked up. The service representative -- we'll call him "Sneezy" -- said if I didn't know the package weight, I had to take it to a UPS office. Makes sense.

"Would you like an address of a location near you?" Sneezy asked.

No. I want to drive around and find it with a divining rod.

"I can give you directions to that address," Sneezy offered. "Will you be coming from north, south, east or west?"

I don't know, Rand McNally. That's why I need directions.

An hour later I arrived at UPS with the carton -- all 45 by 31 inches of it.

"You gotta lift it up here for me to weigh it," the UPS worker said.

The scale was hip high.

The box weighed 58 pounds.

I have the upper-body strength of a gerbil. It was like hoisting a Volkswagen.

Got 'er up there. Then the UPS worker's tape measure wasn't long enough; the computer couldn't count high enough, and she couldn't figure a rate. So I took my parcel and my money to Federal Express.

Screwy way to do business. But like I said, people are screwy.

Blip. I have mail.