Columnist Susan Snyder: Keeping abreast of bad ideas

Tuesday, Oct. 1, 2002 | 8:19 a.m.

The first time I went under anesthesia, I was sure I was going to die.

First of all, the nurses wanted to kill me. They'd given me a shot of something to help me "relax," and wheeled me into the operating room. With arms widespread so they could insert various tubes and needles, I looked up and said, "Weeeeell, you got me lying here like Jesus Christ, now what're we gonna do?"

Catholic nurses have no sense of humor.

The next thing I remember is waking up realizing my stomach was never going to hold anything that resembled food ever again and wishing the surgery had killed me. Recovering from the actual cutting was cake compared to the days-long hangover from the anesthesia.

So it has always been a wonder as to why women with perfectly healthy bodies willingly undergo major surgery just so they'll look better in a bikini or look better to a guy -- or guys.

According to The Washington Post, breast implant surgery has hit a record high nationally with about 220,000 women annually seeking to augment their figures.

Figures from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery says breast augmentation was the ninth-most popular cosmetic procedure last year. (Botox injections were No. 1, with 1.6 million people requesting them.) And the national average cost of having it done was $3,257.

But that's average. Some procedures can cost as much as $6,000. And since it's not covered by insurance unless it's being done for reconstructive purposes, women are dipping into retirement accounts, sucking their savings clean or financing breast implants as they would finance a car.

Call me stupid (and many of you have), but 90 days same as cash is the way to buy a sofa, not major surgery.

Cosmetic surgery is big business in Las Vegas, where getting a job or staying employed may mean having smaller ears, bigger boobs or a better nose.

I recall a singer who once told me he landed the understudy to the lead part of a local show after he had a nose job. He also told me of a friend of his whose manager said she had a great singing voice, but her ears were too big.

"At auditions, they point-blank tell you you're not getting this job because your nose is too big or your boobs are too small," he said.

One local clinic advertises cosmetic surgical procedures, such as breast implants, as if they're spa vacations with complimentary lodging and travel expenses. Since many procedures aren't covered by insurance, out-of-state patients often recover in hotel rooms rather than hospital rooms.

Saline implants, which are the most popular augmentation device, are not without risk. The aesthetic surgery society says they can deflate, leak, alter physical sensations, harden and cause pain, wrinkling or asymmetry.

U.S. Food and Drug Administration officials say implants also interfere with breast cancer detection and can make it difficult or even impossible to breast-feed a baby -- things to think about before that mother-daughter trip to the boob-job spa.

There are better ways to boost young women's self esteem -- ones without the queasy results.