Friday, Nov. 29, 2002 | 4:09 a.m.
Sick of the holidays yet?
Oh, right. Some of you only read this on Sundays.
A pity. For you.
The rest of the class already has covered turkey safety (buckle up your birdie), fun with firs and the worst gift ideas of 2002. Today's topic is dinner with relatives you only get to fight with once a year.
My mother's philosophy on spending Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter with relatives is simple.
Don't.
Families are not meant to be together during the holidays. They are stressful enough without adding Radical Cousin Kate or Tipsy Uncle Alvin to the mix. (For the record, Uncle Alvin was a very generous uncle and a highly successful lawyer who drank enough booze at family holiday dinners to embalm a tentful of elephants. He is, I think, the only one who had any fun.)
Some families undoubtedly enjoy this annual row in which everyone has made a pact before leaving home that, "This year will be different." Of course it never is.
And you find yourself armed with little more than a butter knife, seated across the table from the kin whose political and religious ideologies are polar opposite of yours.
For you, the Sierra Club has designed a "Holiday Suvival Guide" on sierraclub.org. It gives environmentalists strategies for responding to relatives who may want to argue over everything from oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to slashing the tires of every SUV in town.
It uses hypothetical conversations with characters such as Uncle Burt, who thinks eco-types put rocks and birdies' interests above people and Sis, a dreadlocked, hemp-wearing activist who thinks compromise is synonymous with blasphemy.
Clicking through the screens, you can argue with Uncle Burt over drilling in the refuge or spar with Sis over your stance that it's better to build a more fuel-efficient sport utility vehicles than to toss them in a pile and set them afire.
You can discuss global warming with Aunt Mim, who thinks it's just a lot of media hype, or bicker with bookish Cousin Mervin who rattles off a lot of figures, no matter how outdated or inaccurate.
Click on Uncle Burt, and he starts the conversation this way:
"So, you been reading the papers, or have you sworn off those dead trees? Heh, heh. I'd say the debate is over, wouldn't you!? We absolutely have to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Events this fall have made this a matter of national security."
Check out the Sierra Club site. The organization has clear, factual rebuttals that would be would be highly effective when delivered calmly.
The drawback is the sample conversations happen at mealtime. You, the family's resident level-headed liberal, already have endured a Neanderthalic gun-control discussion in front of the football game and dickered with Auntie Mim in the kitchen over your tofurkey.
By the time Uncle Burt asks whether you've "sworn off those dead trees," you are way ready to pass him the peas and pearl onions.
With a slingshot.
Such a response might not deliver useful information, but let's face it. Uncle Burt isn't likely to change his mind. You may as well help him get a daily vegetable serving.
Let the reindeer games begin.
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