Columnist Susan Snyder: A catalog of really bad gifts

Friday, Nov. 29, 2002 | 9:21 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Fridays Sundays and Tuesdays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or (702) 259-4082.

When The Nephew turned 18 this fall it was a rite of passage for his grandmother and me.

Gone are the days of getting up at 5 a.m. to snare the last Buzz Lightyear or hottest new video game.

I thought.

Until ZipZaps.

These two-inch, remote-control cars are harder to find than a Senate Democrat.

Now, it's not like The Nephew asked for one. But he lives in a house with two very young cats. He needs one.

Rest assured that even if he did read this, no Christmas surprise would be ruined because there isn't one of these things left on the planet. I have dutifully launched bids on e-Bay and taken my place on Radio Shack's five-page waiting list.

With any luck, he'll get one when he's 35.

In looking for a substitute, I stumbled across some incredibly inane merchandise. Honestly, why did the terrorists bother? Capitalism already has stolen our dignity, intelligence and morals. We will sell or buy anything in this country, especially over the next 25 days.

Need proof? Take a look at this short guide to The Worst Gifts of Christmas 2002:

Heroes of the World Trade Center trading cards. This 202-card set features photos and intimate details of people who died in the Sept. 11 attacks. There's one for Kevin Hannaford, a 32-year-old commodities broker whose office was on the Word Trade Center's 105th floor. And there's one of a no-name woman holding her head in prayer. The back is inscribed with some maudlin tripe titled "Coping With Disaster."

The disaster is that families of people exploited in this tasteless marketing sham receive a whopping 8 percent from the gross sales. And the other 92 percent goes ... ?

Bratz, Barbie as Rapunzel and Ken as Prince Stefan dolls. A three-way tie. Bratz look like the kind of girls you won't let your daughters hang out with. Barbie is the kind of woman she never can become. (At 50, she's getting a little old for Alice-in-Wonderland hair.) And have you seen Prince Stefan Ken? Rapunzel Barbie could take him without mussing her taffeta.

G.I. Joe Emergency Crash Rescue action figure (Boyspeak for "doll"). Comes complete with a Hurst Tool for prying victims from mangled cars. Eeesh.

The Flat-D flatulence-deodorizing underwear pad. Nothing more to say about this, except I want to hear from anyone who actually wraps this and places it under the tree. Extra points if it's for an in-law.

Ford Focus 2000-2001 models. Reuters news service reports say 572,795 of these are being recalled. Added to the list of 11 previous safety recalls are a bolt in the front suspension assembly that comes loose and problems with placement of a battery cable in the Zetec engines that can result in smoke, wire melting or fires under the hood.

No chance of that ending up under our tree. I already own one. Maybe the front end will fall off and save me from myself at the mall.

As for acceptable gifts, Perfect Concert Date Ken doll has possibilities. Why is he perfect? Well, "he has tickets to see the most awesome band around." And he doesn't talk.

Put me on the waiting list.