Review: ‘Resident Evil’ is frighteningly bad

Friday, March 15, 2002 | 9:47 a.m.

Resident Evil

Grade: No stars

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, James Purefoy and Eric Mabius.

Screenplay: Paul Anderson.

Director: Paul Anderson.

Rated: R for strong sci-fi/horror violence, language and sexuality/ nudity.

Running time: 100 minutes.

For movie times see: http://www.vegas.com/movies/

It cannot be killed with bullets. It preys on the helpless. It is dangerously close to overrunning the planet.

That's correct, kids -- I'm talking about Sony. Not content to have successful PlayStation games in "Final Fantasy" and "Resident Evil," the Corporation (as it will be referred to hereafter) has taken it upon itself to make awful movies of both. The former spent about 10 minutes in theaters, and the human race continued to flourish. "Resident Evil" won't go down that easy.

I've often wondered what people see in bad sci-fi/horror movies. For every "Alien" there's an "Event Horizon," and the bad ones make just as much money and have just as much staying power. Before I'd even consider sending you to "Resident Evil" I'd ask -- no, beg you to rent "The Evil Dead," "The Andromeda Strain," "Return of the Living Dead" or any number of good movies that "Resident" cheerlessly imitates.

But no one will listen; no one ever listens. Or they'll read this and say, "I should go, just to see how bad it really is." It really is that bad, you know -- loud, stupid and about as frightening as a root beer float. Trust me.

If you do end up seeing it -- don't go, he cries, throwing himself at your feet in desperation -- try to fixate on Michelle Rodriguez and James Purefoy. She electrified "Girlfight," he "A Knight's Tale" -- and they're the most likely survivors of this debacle. Rodriguez is sexy, tough and funny, and Purefoy has the suave of James Bond. I'd like to see them work together again, under less zombie-filled circumstances.

Oh yeah, "Resident Evil" is about zombies, and evil supercomputers, and underground laboratories and blah, blah, blah. Not a bit of it matters, and not a single character stands out from the sets and CGI effects. Milla Jovovich continues her campaign to act in English, but she really should continue to communicate only in pouts. It's easier on everyone.

About the nicest thing I can say about "Resident Evil" is that it follows video-game logic. Whenever Jovovich learned a new trick or found a new gun, I murmured "power-up." She plays a tough game, but ultimately, she's only part of a machine.