Columnist Susan Snyder: Times call for healthy perspective

Tuesday, July 30, 2002 | 8:24 a.m.

What's scarier than your 401K statement?

The fact that 6 million women -- many of whom drive -- soon may stop hormone replacement therapy because of newly discovered risks of heart disease, stroke, blood clots and breast cancer.

That's 6 million women who no longer will have relief from menopausal symptoms that include hot flashes and mood swings.

That's 6 million women who likely have unlimited access to cutlery and various kitchen appliances.

That's 6 million women, any of whom could be next in line as you try to purchase 12 items in the 10-item checkout lane.

Who has stopped? Your first clue will be the female coworker who leaps atop her desk and screams "IS IT HOT IN HERE BUCKO, OR SHALL I SIMPLY CHOKE YOU UNTIL YOU STOP TWITCHING?!" Buy a lot of chocolate, and don't ask any probing questions such as, "How are you today?" or say anything volatile such as, "Good morning."

And as you're cowering under your desk wondering what She-Beast has done with the woman who used to be your department manager, you can while away the time pondering a pair of Las Vegas tourists who made national headlines last week.

There is the guy from New Mexico who left his 4-year-old son locked in a running automobile while Daddio got a lap dance at Crazy Horse Too.

And there is the Florida woman who is suing Delta Airlines because workers humiliated her when they insisted she show them the sex toy that was vibrating inside her suitcase. The toy, she told them, was a souvenir she and her husband bought in Las Vegas.

By the time airline workers were finished holding it up for all to see out on the tarmac, several people viewing the inspection were in hysterics.

To what kind of people are Nevada's tourism officials advertising, and what on earth are they saying?

Granted, Las Vegas doesn't have a history of attracting the rocket scientists of society -- at least not since we stopped testing bombs in the desert.

(We did stop, right? I mean, we'd hate to be dropping bombs on all that safely stored nuclear waste.)

OK, so maybe the New Mexico guy was trying to boost the local economy like Las Vegas' mayor asked -- yet another proud moment in national headlines. (Do we have to wear a seatbelt for a lap dance, Mayor?)

And maybe the Florida woman bought the toy for her dog.

But this sort of thing looks kind of bad to the rest of the country. They don't understand our local economy's dependence on morally bankrupt behavior.

Respectable tourist destinations hide such antics. You can bet ManyLawyers Land would keep mum if some Indiana couple left their toddler locked in the minivan while it was parked in Doofus 12. And if anyone's using toys purchased in their gift shops for adult reindeer games, it certainly won't be something that vibrates publicly on a tarmac.

But as I've said before, we do vulgar better than anybody. And at least we don't pretend it's something else.

Gotta run. The Woman Formerly On Hormones is wandering around the office again.

Think she really could kill someone with a box of paper clips?