Review: ‘Queen’ bows to vampire kitsch

Geoff Carter

Friday, Feb. 22, 2002 | 10:15 a.m.

What can we glean from Michael Rymer's version of Anne Rice's "Queen of the Damned" doesn't compare to Neil Jordan's "Interview with a Vampire," based on the same material. Rymer has reportedly called Jordan's vampire movie a "Merchant-Ivory" film, which I guess he believes is shorthand for "butt-numbing costume drama," and calls his film a "Trainspotting"-style venture, meaning it's a triumph of style and storytelling.

It would be a fine analogy, if it weren't completely wrong. Jordan's film was a dark, sexy venture, beautifully lit and shot. Stars Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise were perfectly matched, and Cruise set a watermark for himself that he has yet to equal. Even its second-tier players -- Kirsten Dunst, Antonio Banderas and Christian Slater -- were allowed to give ace performances.

Next to Richard Donner's witty "The Lost Boys," "Interview" is the best vampire movie of recent years (an astonishingly crowded genre, as it turns out). Corey Feldman and Axl Rose notwithstanding, those movies made you want to suck blood -- maybe even someone else's.

Rymer's movie, based on a script by Scott Abbott and Michael Petroni, is likeable enough as a goofball matinee, but you'll never need to watch it again. Beneath its stunning visual moments and whip-smart dialogue, "Trainspotting" has something that "Queen of the Damned" does not: at least three great scenes. According to the late, great Howard Hawks, that's all a movie requires to succeed.

Bereft of those three anchor moments, you have no choice but to watch "Queen of the Damned" as a toy box in which everything winds itself, moves itself, to its own vast amusement. Stuart Townsend, as the vampire Lestat, creates some interest early on, but by the third act he seems too tired to backbuild. He's spent everything he has, and no one so much as thanks him.

Other things you'll have time to think about, while the plot thinks about unfolding:

The only thing worse than having Anne Rice adapt her own work is not having Anne Rice adapt her own work. Apparently, the blackened Cajun offered to write the script, but was turned away. That's the kind of reception you get when you cross Cruise and David Geffen, dear.

Having an ethereal, unearthly singing voice apparently means you sound like that jerk Johnathan Davis, lead singer of Korn. The neo-metal score to "Queen of the Damned" already sounds old and ridiculous.

The world's population is 67 percent gothic brats, even very old guys who should know that they look stupid in the makeup.

I can respect the late Aaliyah's memory and still think her turn as "Queen of the Damned's" title character completely stinks. She sways, stands around with her mouth hanging open and speaks entirely in looped dialogue. It's a true shame she won't be able to improve on "Queen of the Damned," because she'd surely want to.

To make a truly great vampire movie, you need Corey Feldman. Everybody knows that.