Columnist Sandy Thompson: Teen wants more of a say in his life

Sandy Thompson

Friday, Feb. 22, 2002 | 3:28 a.m.

A ROUTINE high school English assignment to "write a declaration" turned into an emotional plea by a Las Vegas teenager.

Marty (not his real name) wrote an essay declaring his independence from his mother and to end the "constant fighting" with her and his brother. Based on an American's right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, he says he should have more control over matters that affect him -- particularly about with whom he lives.

Since his parents' divorce in 1994, Marty and his siblings have lived with his mother, who is remarried. His parents' relationship since then has been anything but civil.

Although his parents' animosity toward each other has taken a toll on him, Marty is not bitter. He talks matter-of-factly about his desire to live with his father and his efforts to be heard in Family Court. "I understand the purpose of the court is to make sure kids would be treated right and to help kids who want to live with one parent. But nobody listens to the kids," he says.

"Judges should talk to kids at their own discretion. If kids want to speak to the judge, let them -- as long as no one puts them up to it."

Marty says many children, especially teenagers, can articulate their desires and needs, and are able to make the right decisions about their lives. Children should be given choices.

Not all adults share his views. Some judges are uncomfortable talking to children; others make a point to get their views. Psychologists and legal experts agree that it's not always possible to determine how a child really feels. Is the child saying something he believes his parent in the next room wants to hear? Is the child choosing to live with one parent because that parent has promised him a special present? Is one parent in favor because he/she is more lenient?

Another concern is that what children want sometimes isn't in their best interest in the long run.

The ideal situation would be for children to have equal access to both parents, except in cases of abuse.

Although Marty does not appear to have the emotional baggage that some children of divorce carry, he is upset that his parents can't get along and they refuse to talk to each other. Their split has caused a split in his relationship with his siblings.

"The way parents treat each other affects kids. If you're always negative, the kids won't be positive about anything," Marty says.

Despite Family Court's admonishment to parents that they should not discusses cases with their children, Marty's parents have talked to him about what goes on in the courtroom and who is doing what to whom.

Although Marty says he was denied the opportunity to talk to the judge, his father recently was granted a temporary custody order. For now, Marty feels comfortable, but fears his mother will want him back and threaten to call the police as she has in the past. That only strengthened his resolve to move in with his father.

Marty is luckier than other children who have voiced similar concerns. In those cases, the children have acted out, run away, failed in school or turned to drugs -- red flags that sometimes the court ignores or chalks up to emotional turmoil stemming from divorce.

Marty says he is not motivated by anger. Nor does he feel like a ping-pong ball as many children of divorce do. Even though he says he was rebuffed at every turn, he has tried to work through the system. He does well in school and plays sports, although he admits his problems at home caused him to curtail some of his athletic activities.

Most of all, he appreciates the opportunity to tell his story in the hope that judges, psychologists and other Family Court-related personnel will listen more to children.

Family Court, he says, should be more a forum for children than an arbiter of "who owes who what."