Columnist Susan Snyder: Having fun and games in Utah

Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2001 | 8:32 a.m.

Only 73 days left.

No, silly, not until Christmas. Even I do better math than that. And the Santas, trees and lights came out so early I'm already bored. (What is with FM radio stations 100.5 and 106.5 anyhow? They've been playing nonstop Christmas music since August.)

No, it's 73 days until opening ceremonies of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in Salt Lake City. Now, I know I pick on our neighbors a lot. But I used to live there, and this is cheaper than therapy. Besides, this is going to be one fun set of games to watch, even without a ticket.

It seems volunteers who are asked about the Olympic bid scandal (in which members of the Salt Lake Organizing Committee gave International Olympic Committee officials everything from rodeo tickets to rifles to college money) are instructed to reply: "There were some challenges in the past, but we are now focused on staging very successful games."

It's a versatile response, when you think about it. This could work as the recommended answer to every uncomfortable Olympic inquiry.

Guest: "Do all Utah guys have a bunch of wives?"

Volunteer: "There were some challenges in the past, but we are now focused on staging very successful games."

Guest: "Where can I get a beer?"

Volunteer: "There were some challenges in the past, but we are now focused on staging very successful games."

Guest: "Does 'Oh my heck,' honestly mean something to you people?"

Volunteer: "There were some challenges in the past, but we are now focused on staging very successful games."

Guest: "Where can I get a *&$%$ beer?!"

Volunteer: "There were some challenges in the past, but we are now focused on staging very successful games."

Actually, Olympic guests will be able to buy beer. While Winter Games volunteers were being indoctrinated at workshops earlier this fall, the Elves In Charge Of Banning All Things Fun were deciding what may and may not be served.

Beer with 3.2 percent alcohol is OK. So is spiced wine and brandy, as long as the brandy is sold in specially labeled cups. Not sure what the cups will say. Probably something succinct and to the point. "Bound for Hell," or "Satan's Plaything," perhaps.

Irish coffee is banned, but Irish athletes are not. When does coffee become Irish anyhow? Is it solely an additive thing, or does coffee poured into an Irish athlete's cup then become Irish coffee and therefore contraband? Are there penalties?

What country will be held responsible for pina coladas? There should be a penalty.

This could be the first Winter Games where what's going on outside the venues is way more entertaining than what's going on inside.

For instance, Tom Green's five wives have said they are planning to picket. Green is a Southern Utah man serving five years for bigamy and failing to pay child support. He was arrested after parading his wives and 29 children on the "48 Hours" television show.

His beloved bevy of brides have said they also will circulate a petition calling for lower bigamy penalties.

Only 73 more days. It's almost like waiting for Christmas.