Columnist John Katsilometes: Carefully navigating the median

Monday, May 21, 2001 | 8:28 a.m.

I'm median.

That's what the census data released last week says. The median age for Clark County residents is 34.4 years. Actually, in Clark County I'm not precisely median; I'm nearly nine months older than median. But statewide the median age is 35, so I'd be an average sort in most Nevada locales, aside from Ely, where they don't take a liking to my sort and why don't I just move along and not cause any trouble, understand?

Given that 35 is considered median, or average, I have a much deeper understanding of my socioeconomic surroundings than I did five years ago. Example: When I moved to Las Vegas five years ago, I was concerned that the city's unbridled growth would cause chronic traffic snarls and turn the air the color of puce.

How breathtakingly naive I was.

But today as a member of the Las Vegas Medians (which should be the nickname of our pro baseball team, after a quick review of players' birthdates), I can confidently deduce that our median population:

Can run as hard but not quite as fast as he/she was able to 10 years ago.

Struggles with the generational conundrum of living in an age vortex, too young to be a baby boomer, too old to be part of Generation X and therefore unable to relate to either faction.

Sympathizes with the actors in Rogaine commercials.

Has a lingering yet undefinable pain in his/her lower back.

Wonders occasionally: "Whatever happened to Gallagher?"

Had his/her interest piqued by the announcement of the Billy Idol show at Mandalay Bay, but worries about finding a baby-sitter that night.

Is still stubbornly clinging to what's left of a once-burgeoning vinyl album collection.

Is too "in denial" to join any 35-and-over organization.

Thinks the X Games are fairly stupid.

Feels awkward attempting to rap.

Is unnerved that seemingly forever-young celebrities, such as Janet Jackson, have just hit the median age of 35.

Probably hasn't noticed and doesn't care that he/she is finally old enough to run for president.

Made at least one significant Life Decision based on a scene from "Revenge of the Nerds."

Wishes that Huey Lewis would just call it a career.

Can recall when microwave ovens weighed 200 pounds.

Is secretly jealous of today's teenagers, who are more adept at surfing the Internet and playing videogames than we are. Ungrateful punks.

Goes into an emotional tailspin when filling out a form with a "35-to-52" age box.

Has recently broken into a sprint without stretching and later paid the price, big-time.

Feels pangs of nostalgia when watching an old TV show in which someone dials a rotary phone.

Has experienced the numbing realization that it is too late to pitch it all in and chase the dream of becoming a professional athlete.

Dreads the call from younger, more nubile relatives who want to visit Vegas and "do it up," because we can't quite do it like we used to.

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