Columnist Sandy Thompson: Divorce programs play vital role

Sandy Thompson

Friday, March 9, 2001 | 4 a.m.

Sandy Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. She can be reached at 259-4025 or e-mail at thompson@lasvegassun.com

MARRIAGE may not last a lifetime, but parenthood does.

That's why growing numbers of states and counties are mandating divorce education classes. The rationale is that if ex-mates can learn not to let their anger, bitterness and other negative feelings affect their parenting, their children will be less damaged by fallout from the divorce. For the last seven years, Clark County has had a pilot program that requires parents to attend a three-hour "coping with divorce" class. Called "Transparenting," the program also is for unmarried parents who are ending their relationships but have children in common. The state Senate is considering a bill, which has been approved by the Assembly, to make the class requirement permanent. "It's all about kids," says Assemblyman Mark Manendo, D-Las Vegas, who sponsored the bill. "Parents learn to keep children out of the line of direct conflict."

About half of the 3,000 counties across the country require divorcing parents of minor children to take such classes, according to Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C.

"It's definitely the trend," she says.

In addition to reinforcing the fact that parents are divorcing each other and not their kids, the classes aim to cut down on readjudication of cases, Sollee says. Court caseloads will decrease if parents can resolve their differences without continually dragging the other back to court.

Good programs teach parents the skills they need to get along and what behavioral approaches work better, she says. They stress not using children as battering rams to get back at an ex-spouse or as messengers to communicate with the other parent.

A truly enlightened state plan would not just focus on divorce, but include marriage education, Sollee says. She also favors mediation that allows for reconciliation as an option. Sollee says it's a myth that a "good" marriage lasts because a person has found the "right" mate. Happy couples disagree the same amount about the same things that unhappy spouses do. They just do it in different ways, Sollee says. The trick is knowing how to be married and what behaviors will keep that love going.

Karen Blaisure, an associate professor in family and consumer sciences at Western Michigan University, has conducted a study of divorce education programs. She says 90 percent of participants are happy they attended the classes, and many wish they had had the information earlier.

She agrees that successful programs teach skills to reduce conflict and help spouses understand each other.

"For the first year or two of the divorce, parents have their own emotional concerns they're dealing with," Blaisure says. "They're caught up in their own pain. It's easier to overlook the children's pain."

Divorce reform has become a hot topic in many states. Florida, for example, requires high school students to take marriage/relationship courses. Other states are making it more difficult to obtain a divorce. Louisiana has "covenant marriages," whereby couples agree that the union can only be dissolved under certain circumstances such as proof of abuse, neglect or desertion.

Colorado is considering requiring a full year of counseling before a divorce is granted. Although Sollee advocates divorce education classes, she considers the one-year requirement unrealistic.

Some conservative groups and lawmakers across the country contend it's not the government's role to teach adults how to be good parents or marriage partners. But that's a short-sighted view. We either do something now for children hurt by divorce or we will have to deal with more serious problems later.

If we can help people better deal with conflicts arising from a breakup -- for the sake of the children, as well as their own -- society will only benefit.