Columnist John Katsilometes: Pondering Presley at age 66

Monday, Jan. 8, 2001 | 8:38 a.m.

John Katsilometes is the Sun features editor. His column appears Mondays. Reach him at kats@lasvegassun.com or 259-2327.

Question: At what point do we stop saying of a famous dead person, "If he had lived, he'd be (insert number) years old."?

Example: Today, "If Elvis Presley had lived, he'd be 66 years old."

And we know that ... how?

Fact is, we don't know that if Elvis hadn't pitched forth dead on his bathroom shag on Aug. 16, 1977, he'd be alive today. Sadly, we have every indication that, because of his pizza-and-pills diet, the King was doomed to have perished at an early age -- much earlier than 66.

A better question to ponder: What would Elvis, at age 66, be like?

I imagine he'd have to be in great physical condition -- no Elvis-at-66 scenario could be plausible if he didn't clean up his act and torture himself back into shape. Elvis at 66 would be a former Betty Ford Clinic inhabitant, having shared space and counseling with some of the very fans who annually visit Graceland every Jan. 8.

Elvis at 66 has his own line of exercise videos -- the low-impact, "Don't Be Cruel" series. Fast-talking pitchmen would hawk the material during late-night programming on TNN. Elvis at 66 has written -- or at least lent his name to -- a cookbook. Gone are the fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches, cheeseburgers and fried chicken. Elvis at 66 is proudly all-veggie, a fan of fresh fruit, soy and leafy vegetables, all at the urging of his girlfriend, Martha Stewart.

Musically, Elvis at 66 will have returned to his roots. A lengthy and humbling stay at Betty Ford will do that to anyone, even a legend. He'll have long since shed the psychopathic "Memphis Mafia" crew and sought out his old backup singing quartet, the Jordannaires (who Elvis easily tracked down, performing at the Gold Coast).

After releasing a few gospel and country albums since his stay in rehab, Elvis at 66 has re-recorded some of his old standards and titled the release "Route 66 Revisited," an ode to Bob Dylan (a collaborator on the CD) that coincides with Elvis' birthday. A Dylan-Presley tour has been rumored -- Presley's first arena tour in two decades. He's eager to show off his new bod and old moves.

Elvis at 66 hasn't lost his love for film, either. But no more of the mid-'60s pap, where Elvis played such roles as "Eric, the freewheeling racecar driver/singer with a dazzling smile and heart of gold." No, Elvis at 66 has drawn the attention of some of the more eclectic directors in the film industry. Quentin Tarrantino has Elvis cast as a deranged game-show host, playing opposite contestants Christian Slater and Ed Norton in the excessively violent summer flick "Showcase Showdown."

Las Vegas should figure prominently for Elvis at 66. For years Elvis shied away from his old haunts, grimacing at the hordes of impressionists camping up his former image and fearing the glare of the Strip. But Elvis at 66 is returning to his old showroom at the Las Vegas Hilton and is nervously awaiting opening night.

Old friends will be on hand -- including the Wayner and Tom Jones -- all eager to join Elvis onstage. They say his pipes are as good as ever and it could lead to an extended run, just like the old days.

Elvis at 66 certainly has a lot to be thankful for. Topping the list is Betty Ford.

If he'd only made the call.