Columnist Susan Snyder: A brush with kitty hygiene

Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2001 | 8:37 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Tuesdays, Sundays and Fridays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or 259-4082.

You know society has reached a certain level of economic security when adults occupy their time with endeavors such as brushing their cats' teeth.

In the old days cats lived in the barn, chased mice, ate whatever they could catch.

On the occasions they were invited into the house, having their teeth brushed likely was not part of the plan. People who had to make their own cloth, churn their own butter and build their own furniture likely did not ponder the benefits of feline dental hygiene.

But a century or more later we have progressed to level of technology and efficiency to leave us time for life's really important tasks -- such as brushing the cat's teeth.

In fact, a couple of friends spent half of last week extolling the virtues of precluding pussycat plaque. They spent $7 on a kit, and therefore had to share the joy. They photocopied the instructions and left them lying on my desk.

The kit comes with toothpaste, a regular kitty toothbrush (whatever that is) and a brush that slips over the end of a finger like a thimble.

The package does not specify whether the thimble-brush extends from a leather glove that reaches past the elbow -- a feature that would be desirable if I were to consider cleaning the choppers of Chairman Meow.

"Begin by gently massaging your cat's upper neck and mouth area," the instructions say. And again, necessary details are missing.

Should the cat be unconscious? Is it being held by a heavily gloved innocent bystander? Tucked securely between the knees horsey-style?

Once Chairman Meow accepts the massaging (should happen shortly after he cooks me a boneless chicken breast), I'm to place a small amount of toothpaste on a finger and let him lick it off. Then we commence brushing.

Again, no mention of other protective equipment that may or may not be included in the kit. And there is no explanation of whether the cat should be extracted from under the bathroom sink, or whether the pipes and tile floor help with leverage. Do we close the bathroom door? Roll bandages ahead of time?

The cat on the package appears to be sitting still with no restraints. It is heavily sedated or stuffed.

Jacky Long, over at Fort Apache Animal Clinic, says doggy brushing can be done daily, but cats are different.

"Cats are, well, cats," she said. "Once a day is really hard with a cat. Once a week is enough."

I'd need at least a week between brushings to heal. And Chairman Meow would think once every 15 years is often enough. (He's 11.)

Still, feeling like an irresponsible cat slave, I asked a co-worker whether he brushes his cat's teeth.

"No," he said. "But I once had to hold my cat down for 10 minutes twice a day and put hot compresses on her (nether region)."

And this, he surmised, was still easier than brushing anything inside the orifice at the other end.

I suppose if I worked really hard and was very patient, Chairman Meow would allow me to brush the lethal little daggers extending from his gums.

But it probably would be quicker to simply wait for him to evolve a thumb so he could do it himself.