Columnist Ron Kantowski: UNLV: Real deal or just imposters?

Thursday, Feb. 8, 2001 | 10:41 a.m.

Ron Kantowski's column appears Thursday. Reach him at ron@lasvegassun.com or 259-4088.

"This is your host Bud Collyer, and welcome to To Tell the Truth.

"Contestants, enter and identify yourself please."

First contestant (wearing baggy shorts and white basketball jerseys): "We are the UNLV basketball team."

Collyer: "No. 2?"

Second contestant (wearing baggy shorts and red basketball jerseys): "We are the UNLV basketball team."

Collyer: "And No. 3?"

Third contestant (wearing baggy shorts and black basketball jerseys): "We are the UNLV basketball team."

Collyer (reading from an "affidavit" that starts the game): "Panel, the UNLV basketball team resides in Las Vegas, Nevada. It once was considered a foremost expert in its field. In 1990, it officially was recognized as such by 63 of its distinguished peers when it was crowned the king of college basketball. Eventually, the team faded into oblivion. But with most of its major components intact, it was expected to re-emerge as a force on the national scene in 2001.

"With that, we begin the questioning with Kitty Carlisle."

"No. 1, I may have overheard at a cocktail party that you played uninspired basketball against the likes of Chaminade and Cal State-Northridge, had a death of a struggle against lowly San Diego State and -- my dear -- even were defeated by those commoners from Reno. And losing to Colorado State by 25 points? If I may ask ever so kindly, is there an explanation?"

UNLV No. 1: "Well, ma'am, it's like this. Because our former coach Bill Bayno was more concerned about his won-loss record than toughening us up for our conference season, he scheduled a bunch of patsies. Oh sure, he took us to Hawaii for a tough game against Illinois, and we almost won. But that only made us think we were better than we actually are. No offense, ma'am, but you and Ms. Cass over there could probably go for a double-double against Chaminade or Monmouth. So if it looked like we weren't trying very hard, it was because we didn't have to.

"As for losing at Reno? Well, would you believe it if we told you we played wearing one of your blindfolds?"

Collyer: "One down, three to go, Orson Bean."

"No. 2, I don't think Ms. Carlisle is being totally fair. I, too, was watching that Illinois game with my good friend Bennett Cerf, and we were both impressed with how well you played against the No. 7 team in the nation. You guys looked great against New Mexico on national TV and then winning at Wyoming? Man, that was impressive."

UNLV No. 2: "Well, every time Kas -- our big guy Kaspars Kambala -- comes to play, we do pretty well."

Collyer: "Two down, two to go, Peggy Cass."

"This is for No. 3. I heard what you said to Kitty and I heard what you said to Orson and to me, it seems like one night you play well and the next night you don't."

UNLV No. 3: "That's right. But if you had to deal with the distractions of having your coach fired during the middle of the season, your new coach unable to decide if he's your best friend or your drill sergeant and your university chasing yet another coach all over the country while you were still trying to win basketball games, you'd play inconsistently, too."

Collyer: "Tom Poston, we're out of time.

"So will the real UNLV basketball team please stand up?"