Columnist Susan Snyder: Scars of abuse not always apparent

Friday, Aug. 24, 2001 | 4:52 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column also appears Tuesdays and Fridays in the Las Vegas Sun. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or 259-4082.

The caller said she's invisible.

"You hear about homeless people and battered women," she said. "But there isn't a whole lot about women who are just stuck in a bad situation they can't get out of."

She paused.

"I'm one of them."

The 40-year-old said she stays home to raise her four children, ages 2-15, because that's what she and her second husband decided before they married.

Her first marriage was marked by violence that left her without most of her teeth, she said. He punched her in the face, breaking two teeth and cracking others that became infected and had to be pulled.

Her second husband seemed different, she said, but soon inflicted a kind of abuse that doesn't show.

"It's mental. Every week he'll say, 'I'm not going to pay the rent, and you'll be out on the street,' " she said.

The first half of their marriage was good, she said. But now there are only threats, unpaid bills and silence.

"My daughter told me Prince Charming turned into a frog," the caller said.

She should just leave, right? That's how they do it on TV. Women pack the kids' clean underwear and courageously scoot to safety in the middle of the night.

Real life doesn't work that way, the woman said. She maintained a household, built a life and accumulated all that comes with it in the 12 years before she married a second time. She says her teeth are so badly disfigured from her first husband's abuse that no one will hire her for a job with a decent wage.

If she and her kids leave, she fears they will lose the home they do have. If they stay, they risk losing themselves.

"You hear about the people who are battered," she said. "But there have to be other women out there going through this."

Actually, about one in three women, said Lisa Lynn Chapman, spokeswoman for Safe Nest, which offers temporary help in domestic crises.

They are your neighbors, co-workers and friends, and their abuse doesn't always show on the outside, Chapman said.

"It's real hard," she said. "Even though it's not physical, it's still violent. It still has effects on her and on the children."

Safe Nest's hotline calls rose from 7,980 in 1995 to 24,160 last year, shelter figures show. Its counselors conducted 16,024 sessions and its workers processed 8,580 protection orders last year. Both of those figures are twice what they were in 1995. The Las Vegas woman is definitely not alone.

Most of Safe Nest's clients never have to leave their homes, Chapman said. Only a few end up in the emergency shelter. The others receive out-patient counseling and home visits.

The Las Vegas abuse victim called me Monday -- the same day a Sacramento man allegedly killed his wife, son and four relatives in a maniacal fit of rage.

On Tuesday, while many of us focused on the domestic violence that destroyed a family in California, the Las Vegas abuse victim quietly mustered the courage to call Safe Nest.

She found help, and she found her voice. She hopes we still will hear it after Sacramento fades from the media's interest.

"I know I'm not the only one. There are women in danger of losing themselves," she said. "I know."

Safe Nest's hotline is 646-4981.