Columnist Susan Snyder: We have a sinking feeling

Tuesday, Aug. 7, 2001 | 8:31 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or 259-4082.

Bring on the meteor, for we are no longer progressing as a species.

A 46-year-old man died in Montana last week after he drove a snowmobile out onto a lake where it sank and pulled him down with it. (Evidently "let go" didn't occur to him.) He couldn't swim and wasn't wearing a life jacket.

Read that again. Now in 10 seconds list as many things wrong with that situation as you possibly can.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

OK, if your only answers involved the guy's lack of a life jacket and swimming ability, then put down the paper and go switch on "Judge Judy." This is not for you.

The guy -- who the Associated Press report noted was afraid of the water -- was engaged in a pastime called "water skipping." This inane activity involves mounting a snowmobile, speeding toward a lake at full throttle and hydroplaning across the open water.

As the news report carefully pointed out, "The 500-pound machines aren't designed for water and don't float."

Gosh. Guess that's why they're called "snow" mobiles.

The Montana Snowmobile Association, fearing some sort of state rules designed to save these buffoons from themselves, told the AP that the activity, "if handled appropriately," should be no more dangerous than riding a personal watercraft or high-performance speedboat, "providing the correct set of safety requirements are in place."

Like what? A training class where they teach Bubba the finer points of "let go" or, "This is water, and Mr. Snowmobile doesn't float on it"?

This latest craze apparently is spreading like a rash. So I called the chief ranger's office at Lake Mead National Recreation Area to see whether it had reached our banks. Would they stop someone trying to take a snowmobile for a swim? Would they charge him the daily boat fee, or sell him an annual pass seeing as how it likely would be Sled Boy's only visit?

The ranger was out. But his assistant listened carefully.

"This guy up in Montana died after he drove his snowmobile out onto a lake, and it sank," I said. "Have you ever heard of someone trying that out at Lake Mead?"

Silence. Either she was waiting to hear she'd won a radio contest, or she hoped the people at the home would take away my telephone privileges.

"Is it allowed at Lake Mead?" I asked.

"Well," she said, "probably not. Anything that is used on the surface of the water has to be properly numbered and legally seaworthy by Coast Guard standards."

Good answer. It allows rangers to say no with dignity, rather than simply laughing in people's faces and asking them whether anyone in their families has evolved a thumb.

Montana officials didn't want to rankle snowmobilers by banning them from doing stupid things with their sleds. (A move that no doubt would ban most uses of the infernal contraptions forever. Dang.) So they banned the machines from all no-wake zones and most shorelines. Participants also must be at least 16 and wear life jackets.

If it weren't for gas and oil fouling the water, I'd be all for simply letting nature take its course. If Darwinism isn't your gig, think of it as God recalling models that somehow left the factory missing a few parts.

At least there'd be fewer of them to rescue during avalanche season.