Columnist John Katsilometes: The finer points of etiquette

Monday, April 23, 2001 | 8:18 a.m.

Etiquette stinks.

I arrived at this nugget of brilliance the other day at the grocery store, or rather, the grocery-store parking lot. I was pulling into an open parking slot when I noticed another vacant slot directly across from the one I was about to occupy.

Well, lucky day. A two-for-one deal in the Smith's parking lot.

I braked and wondered which of the two spaces would be closest to my shopping destination: the aisle where I could find Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

As I idly pondered my options another driver pulled in, meeting me face-to-face (a fine show) and flipping her blinker toward my original intended parking spot. Not being well-versed in parking lot etiquette, I flipped my blinker toward slot No. 2. Unfortunately, she had the same idea.

This prompted a flip-off (in more ways than one, as it turns out) as we sat for several seconds switching our turn signals back and forth to determine who would park where. Finally I gunned my (warning: automotive lie approaching) brand-new 2001 Humvee into spot No. 1, nearly flattening a plucky teenage employee pushing shopping carts.

The woman in question pulled into No. 2 and shot from her car.

"I had right of way there," she sermonized. "You had already started into the spot."

"Which spot?" I asked.

"That one," she said, pointing to slot No. 2.

"No, that's the second spot I was looking at," I said. "I had my eye on the other one, but ..."

"Oh, browsing, were we?" the woman said. This person had been through a few parking lot confrontations and relished treating me like the "Weakest Link."

"Just looking for ice cream," I answered, forcing a smile. "I don't want trouble. I'm not familiar with parking lot etiquette."

Nearly all of our daily interactions are affected by etiquette. Try answering the phone at work with, "What's shakin', Kevin Bacon?" (a bad idea unless you're expecting a call from ...). Elevators are riddled with etiquette issues -- I've taken elevator rides that nearly turned into hostage situations because people stepped into a full elevator before anyone could step out.

Escalator etiquette says it's one person per step (or is it one every other step? Can't remember). Etiquette ignorance can ruin plans for fine dining -- you mean I can't wear Teva's in Delmonico? -- and play havoc with formal introductions:

"John, this is the president of the United States."

"I didn't vote for you."

Or consider the only time I've ever been asked to check a wine cork at dinner. Who knew that bouncing it high off the table and declaring, "Still fresh!" is a breach of etiquette? Can I get a little disclosure here?

Concert etiquette is still a muddled issue. Mosh only with a fellow mosher, don't sing aloud unless the artist says something akin to, "Sing it with me, people!" and don't start asking a stranger, "What's this song?" because it's likely he didn't pay $50 to see Sting simply so he could inform you that it's "Fields of Gold." (Just a random example there.)

There are countless other instances, which I'll gladly relate for a small gratuity -- in keeping with etiquette.